Sunday, July 11, 2010
You Have Stolen My Heart
More than anything, I suddenly feel very secure. I'm married now! Completely married--emotionally, physically, legally. I have a marriage license, and I am fortunate enough to live in a state that not only issued it but recognizes it. Thanks to the 5th and 10th amendments, it looks like even President Obama will have to recognize it. (There is an excellent explanation of the DOMA decision over at 365). I didn't think I would feel all of that in this way.
I never realized how insecure I used to be. I used to get so worked up about having rights and fighting for them. Every time someone said something homophobic in the public or private sphere, I took it personally. Glenn Beck used to give me panic attacks. I used to go out of my way to read what Mormon leaders said on the topic, and I would be really bothered by it. I was obsessed with having a community and making connections with other gay Mormons. I really cared about the future of the Mormon Church, and my relationship to it. I don't know how else to describe it other than to say I was insecure.
But now none of that seems to matter to me. Rather than finding out what Mormons/conservatives/Baptists/Republicans have to say about gay rights, I'd rather worry about how the new living room furniture looks or what I'm going to make my new husband for dinner. I have a partner--someone that I will always be with. No one--not Maggie Gallagher, not Thomas Monson, not Barack Obama, not my parents, not Glenn Beck--can take Michael away from me. He is mine, and I am his. We have our rights, our protections, our obligations, our promises, our security. I realize that in more places in this world than not this is not the case, and I am still passionate about my hope to extend these rights and securities to the rest of the world for other couples (and for us if we travel or move). But for some reason being married just takes away a lot of the anxiety around it. I can understand how straight couples take this security for granted. I am so grateful for those who have fought so hard to make my marriage a possibility, because now that I have it, I don't know how I lived without it.
Nothing brings more peace, satisfaction, or security to me than having a husband.