One Short Day in the Emerald City

I just got back from Washington, where I spent a week with one of my friend's families. I had a great time. We spent a few days in Seattle visiting his brother at the University of Washington. I fell in love with the Seattle. It was so welcoming. I suppose it was obvious that my friend and I were gay. As we were out and about, people were so friendly to us. I mean really truly welcoming. One woman told us that she loved us just out of the blue. We saw other gay people- including couples holding hands. As a whole, it felt like being gay was a non issue. I mean even more so than in San Fransisco, where being gay, though accepted and welcomed, was very much the issue. In Seattle it just didn't matter.

And UW is a beautiful campus. It was like being in heaven. As I was watching the people on campus, I felt this huge sense of regret for not transferring away from BYU. I could have spent the last two years in a beautiful place, worshiping the way that I want to, and living the way that I feel is right. Instead I have lived in a desert surrounded by ugly buildings and people who, for the most part, all think one way. I have had to bend over backwards to conform to rules that defy what I believe is right. And in the end, I will have a degree from an institution I hate and that represents a group of people to which I will not belong.

I almost broke down over it all. Now I am back at BYU working on some commissions and making art for my final BFA show. On campus today I was greeted very warmly by friends and two of my professors. They all know I am gay, and are very supportive. While this place may be ugly, and while I may be forced to live differently than I believe is right, I do have a place here. And as much as I complain, I do enjoy my time here. But some day, some day I will leave and never come back. Some day I will live in a city as welcoming as Seattle, and I will live an honest, complete, open, and fulfilling life in the way that I choose.

Delusions of Grandeur

"Don't give up because you want to be heard. If silence keeps you I, I will break it for you. Everybody wants to be understood. Well I can hear you. Everybody wants to be loved. Don't give up" (Josh Groban).

---

Dating girls. I briefly mentioned that I wasn't going to date girls and referenced something that a former girlfriend said to justify it. I didn't expect it to start a small debate on the subject, but people have been talking about it. I have avoided the subject, but after Draco's post, I feel ready to revisit the topic.

The reason that I'm not dating girls right now is because of how unfulfilling it is for me. The last girl that I dated was great. She was cute and funny and liked musicals and good books. Every date, however, was like a homework assignment. I was constantly focused on what I needed to do and how to do it- like a series of chores. I just wasn't interested in her. I was only interested in having a wife and being "fixed." Nothing was natural, it was all deliberately accomplished in a failing effort to have something that I wanted but couldn't have.

So then deciding not to date left me wondering if I would ever learn how to love anyone. It left me wondering if I would always be alone. I couldn't stand the thought of that- a lifetime of celibacy is so much to ask of anyone. So what was I supposed to do? Start dating guys? Just hang out with friends constantly? Become a recluse? After deliberating and dabbling in new things, I think I have found my path.

---

"I'm so alive. I'm so enlightened. I can barely survive a night in my mind. I've got a plan. I'm gonna find out just how boring I am, and have a good time- Cause ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life it's been fine. I've been cool with my new golden rule . . .Stop trying to figure it out (you try to figure, you try to figure it out), it will only bring you down" (John Mayer).

I've never felt this healthy before

"I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it. I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it. You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it. You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it. (and there are no strings attached to it)" (Alanis Morissette).

---

I have never felt this alive- this complete- this whole. It is an overload of me when before I was always ignoring me. It is wonderful and exciting and.

I claim to be indecisive. I talk like I'm confused. I say I don't know what I want or what I am going to do. The reality is my actions don't match up to that greatest of pretends. If you follow my actions, then I have already decided.

This post is really just an excuse to post lyrics. I'm going to go to the Temple today.

---

"You were taken with me to a point, a case of careful what you wish for, but what you knew was enough to begin. And so you called and courted fiercely, so you reached out, entirely fearless, and yet you knew of reservation and how it serves. And I salute you for your courage, and I applaud your perseverance, and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces that I represent" (Alanis Morissette).

To being an us for once,

"You know what to say and you say it. You know the rules and you obey them, But I know you are alone. No structure feels like home to you" (Cary Judd).

---

Last night I saw the dress rehearsal for BYU's production of Chekhov's The Seagull. It was pretty good. There were two major themes that I and others saw in the play that I would like to blog about. One is the conflicts between artistic pursuits and family life. On my straight blog I used to blog about that conflict a lot. (I am an art major working towards a BFA)

The other theme was that the characters all want what they can't have, and the result is their unhappiness. The play uses realism to show the way people naturally want what they can't have and the pain that results from that. After the play, we all stayed for a conversation with the cast, and this theme seemed to dominate the conversation. Many commented that if only the characters would have changed their desires, then they could have been happy.

My first reaction was sarcastic, right, just switch what you want--- it's so easy. Just don't want what you can't have. But the more I was thinking about it, the more I have been trying to figure out what it is that we can't have. I used to think that an open relationship with a guy was something I couldn't have. The reality is, though, that I can have it. I can have a gay relationship. I don't want a sexual relationship with a man though. I want what I can't have.

So what are the things that I can't have? I can't have the attractions magically disappear. I can't have a gay relationship that is condoned by the Church. I can't have a gay relationship and hold a temple recommend. I can't expect to be happy living a double life. These are things that I literally can't do. I think that maybe there is some merit to what the play was showing then. Inasmuch as I want these things that I can't have, I can change what I want. I have done so with the first, so I can do so with the rest.

The question that remains then, is what can I have? Perhaps once I know what I can have, I will be able to intentionally start wanting it.

---

"But you're perfect tonight, captured by satellite. Perfect tonight, in silent waves of electric light. You are perfect tonight. You look for ghosts in empty basements, though real people are more amazing, Cause we all have something to touch even if it isn't much, not too much" (Cary Judd).