Just Remember What's Right For Me, May Be Not Right For You

In April, I hardly noticed conference at all. It wasn't something that affected me at the time. This conference was different. Something happened a few weeks ago that gave the sudden realization that what these men say has a deep and profound impact on people that I love very much--like my parents. They are so influenced by these people that it is important for me to stay on top of it.

That's why I was devastated by Dallin Oaks' talk on how parents should treat their wayward children. I found the entire philosophy behind his approach offensive--it was manipulative, punitive, and divisive. His basic premise was that "The love of God does not supersede his laws and his commandments ... the same should be true of parental love and rules."

This includes parental interactions with their adult children, in fact the biggest example that Oaks used for "wayward" children was cohabitating adults, which by default includes those in lifelong same sex relationships according to those who don't recognize gay marriage. Needless to say, this has been a source of contention with my parents as I talk about my future already. I'm scared by how this conference talk might complicate future discussions.

Dallin Oaks talks about the gifts from God that are universal or unconditional, but then states that some gifts are conditioned to obedience. The same approach should be taken in parenting. Some things should always be given--like food to children still at home. Other things are conditioned on children doing what parents want, again, including adults.

"Following the example of an all-wise and loving Heavenly Father who has given laws and commandments for the benefit of his children, wise parents condition some parental gifts on obedience ... To pose an even more serious question, if an adult child is living in cohabitation, does the seriousness of sexual relations outside the bonds of marriage require that this child feel the full weight of family disapproval by being excluded from any family contacts, or does parental love require that the fact of cohabitation be ignored? I have seen both of these extremes, and I believe that both are inappropriate."

Oaks goes on to say that parents should use personal revelation to determine where to draw the line in between those extremes. He counsels parents to apply the principles in the parable of the good shepherd who left the ninety and nine to go after the one who was lost. While at the surface this seems compassionate, it is very condescending to those adult children to have their parents going about making the decision on how to interact with them based on trying to manipulate them into believing and acting a certain way. While parents ought to be respected for their experiences, sacrifices, and insight, adults are not children who must be trained by their parents with rewards for "good" behavior and punishments for "bad" behavior.

Oaks goes on to say that parents who love their children should not support "self destructive" behavior, which he defines as behavior that violates the Mormon commandments. I found the bitter irony in the statement depressing. I have never been on a more self destructive path then when I was trying to fulfill the Mormon commandments. At various times I was on the brink of suicide or self defeating mental and emotional behavior. I was depressed. I couldn't deal with anxiety or stress of any kind. I was a mess. When I began to live a healthy life and started doing what was best for my mental health, I had to abandon many LDS ideals. According to Oaks, my parents should punish me for this by withholding something from me.

As if the rhetoric thus far wasn't divisive enough, Oaks concludes with these chilling words: "When family members are not united in striving to keep the commandments of God there will be divisions. We do all that we can to avoid impairing loving relationships, but sometimes it happens after all we can do. In the midst of such stress we must endure the reality that the straying of our loved ones will detract from our happiness, but it should not detract from our love for one another or our patient efforts to be united in understanding God's love and God's laws."

So my adult decision--no matter how mature they are--will detract from my parents happiness. Never mind the fact that doing what they want me to do (marry a woman) would inhibit my happiness and bring me back to self deprication. So my parents can't choose to be happy that I'm happy simply because I became happy in a way that was different than them? And all of this "stress" could cause our relationship to be impaired? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is responsible for destroying families across the Earth. They will be held accountable for that grave sin before God.

Think about the healing, instead of the rifts, that Oaks could have brought to families if he had closed his talk like this: When family members do not believe the same things or make the same decisions, there may be painful divisions and stress. But families can be united in their love for each other despite those differences. Parents can experience the joy and blessings that come from their choices regardless of the decisions their children make. In the end, the love that binds families together is stronger than the influences that would pull them apart.

Who has to know?

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret . . ." (All American Rejects). We all have secrets. Sometimes it's best to keep them secret. Sometimes the secrecy becomes a problem that festers in a relationship, or in my case, a family. I have had some realizations lately about traditions in my family that could have cycled onward in my life but that I have been able to escape.

Without disclosing things that aren't mine to disclose, I will say that I belong to a family with secrets. Sexual secrets that are swept under the rug. Secrets that are dirty, unhealthy, even disgusting. And I've been a part of it. I've had my own dirty little secrets. I'm referring to things that are degrading and harmful.

Another family tradition, however, is the appearance of perfection. We have this innate need for everyone to know that we are living normal, happy, righteous lives. The result is that we have lived double lives. We hide, ignore, suppress, and bottle up the problem, and then outwardly live the life we want others to see. But it caught up to us- to my dad specifically. Watching the pain that experience caused my family has taught me so much about what I can do to break this cycle.

Without that realization, I would likely have ended up getting married to a woman, pretending to be the perfect Mormon I wanted to be, but I would have had a secret. I would have lived a second life. I would have turned, at best, to pornography and masturbation. At worst I would have cheated on her. Either way would have been devastating to our relationship and to our family. Even if I had told her early on in the relationship that I had same gender attractions (and I would have), I would have quietly found ways to satisfy those attractions in unhealthy ways. I have seen many relationships where this is happening.

Now I am not in any way implying that this is what mixed orientation marriages always are. But it is something that I would have had because of my family tradition and the way that I have learned how to handle myself and my attractions growing up. I am so grateful I was able to recognize it. Some of you may be disappointed if I were to pursue a relationship with a man. I would rather, however, have a healthy, complete, honest relationship with a man than a fake relationship with a woman and a secret sexual impulse.

I've never felt this healthy before

"I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it. I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it. You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it. You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it. (and there are no strings attached to it)" (Alanis Morissette).

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I have never felt this alive- this complete- this whole. It is an overload of me when before I was always ignoring me. It is wonderful and exciting and.

I claim to be indecisive. I talk like I'm confused. I say I don't know what I want or what I am going to do. The reality is my actions don't match up to that greatest of pretends. If you follow my actions, then I have already decided.

This post is really just an excuse to post lyrics. I'm going to go to the Temple today.

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"You were taken with me to a point, a case of careful what you wish for, but what you knew was enough to begin. And so you called and courted fiercely, so you reached out, entirely fearless, and yet you knew of reservation and how it serves. And I salute you for your courage, and I applaud your perseverance, and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces that I represent" (Alanis Morissette).

I wasn't even on drugs.

I like to start and end some posts with lyrics. Often they don't have anything to do with the post, but it is a nice reflection of the emotions I am feeling or the tunes I'm listening to. I just love music. Anyway, I just can't pick two sets of lyrics, so I will let you in on all of the songs on my itunes right now and you can pull the quotes you want. I Was So Alone, Chasing Cars, The Great Escape, You and Me, Open Your Eyes, and Oh What a World.

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Yesterday I had a really good day. One of many small ecstasies was watching the movie Saved. You all MUST go and watch the movie. It completely changed the way that I look at the world and myself and God. I want to write a whole long review on the movie, but it would detract from the real point of this post.

I got home last night at 3 AM and I was feeling really happy. And I was wondering why I didn't feel that happy in Church. And then I started doing some deep thinking as I was wrapped up in the catharsis of the night. Thought turned to meditation turned to prayer turned to enlightenment.

Suddenly I realized that it was good that I felt good. And then I realized that Church should make me feel good. I should enjoy it. I should feel uplifted. I should feel spiritual. I decided to get what I wanted out of Church, and I want to get happy, uplifting, spiritual experiences out of church. To do that, I realized that I needed to give up my expectations and demands. I needed to stop putting conditions on what would make me feel good at Church.

Last night I didn't sleep at all- I just felt. And then I got up and I showered and I put on my new Sunday clothes that actually fit me and I went to Church and it was awesome. I haven't enjoyed Church like that in a very long time. I had fun. I was uplifted. I felt the Spirit. And all of this despite distasteful comments and offensive things. I just let those things that normally bug me fall off.

It was wonderful. And the best part is that this whole divine, euphoric, enlightening experience was not even drug induced.

Receiving Revelation

I still receive revelation. I always thought that if I accepted the fact that I am attracted to men I wouldn't receive revelation. I also thought that if I ever questioned the Church, I wouldn't receive revelation. Well, today in church, I received revelation. It was just as I have always received it.

I was feeling alright in Priesthood because of something the Bishop said about helping each other out when we feel "BLASTD"- bored, lonely, angry, sad, tired, or depressed. It made me realize how awesome my roommate is at recognizing that in me and in helping me. He's like the perfect example of what the Bishop said. It also made me realize how I can extend help to others, and how much the support of other mohos means to me.

So because I was feeling good about that, I suppose I was more open to the Spirit. During Conference, I had had a spiritual experience during the song "I Believe in Christ." It was a beautiful arrangement, and it just made me feel like being Mormon was such a beautiful thing. Anyway, in Sacrament Meeting we sang that song, and all of sudden these words jumped out at me: "I believe in Christ, He stands supreme. From Him I'll gain my fondest dream. And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'"

Yesterday I had a very good, meaningful conversation with my dad, and he told me that he just wants me to be happy. I have had that on my mind ever since. As I have been thinking about happiness, when I sang that line in the hymn, I suddenly realized that I could and would obtain happiness. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't even know why, but happiness is not some hope we aim for in the afterlife. It is something obtained as part of the mortal experience. That much was revealed to me.

I have other thoughts stemming from this bit of insight, but I think I will leave the post at that.

Elusive Happiness

I discovered some very terrible things today, and I went into trauma mode. Romulus and Remus rescued me, and now I feel a teensy bit better. They had me laughing, at least, and that felt good.

One thing they mentioned was that my blog sounds a whole lot happier and more optimistic than I seem in person. I told them it was because I was trying to convince everyone of the Mo in moho. In any event, here's to honesty:

I'm beginning to wonder if there is such thing as goodness and happiness, or if they are just vain hopes that we dream up to make up to get us to our graves.