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| Rendering for the new MTC building courtesy The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, via the Salt Lake Tribune. |
Showing posts with label mormonism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mormonism. Show all posts
Thursday, July 12, 2012
The Separation of Church and Building Codes
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
And There Were Flashes of Light
It seems lightning has struck the Mormon's newest Temple this past week. We were warned by NOM that a storm was gathering.
The Oquirrh Mountain Temple, which is to be dedicated in August, was struck by lightning, leaving a black stain on the face, arm, and trumpet of Angel Moroni. It's nothing a little soap, water, and maybe some re-gilding can't fix. It does make one wonder, though, how happy God is with the Mormons. There's a message in here somewhere. Judging from the black stain, it might have been a more timely message any time before 1979. Although, there is another issue plaguing the Church now with an awful lot of similarities to the pre-1979 ban on black priesthood and Temple rites, including marriages.
The Oquirrh Mountain Temple, which is to be dedicated in August, was struck by lightning, leaving a black stain on the face, arm, and trumpet of Angel Moroni. It's nothing a little soap, water, and maybe some re-gilding can't fix. It does make one wonder, though, how happy God is with the Mormons. There's a message in here somewhere. Judging from the black stain, it might have been a more timely message any time before 1979. Although, there is another issue plaguing the Church now with an awful lot of similarities to the pre-1979 ban on black priesthood and Temple rites, including marriages.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
You Oughta Know
As I was writing yesterday's post on HBO's portrayal of sacred Mormon rites, I realized I have a whole lot more to say on the matter. I think the problem is bigger than just the controversy around that episode. As a whole, the Latter-day Saints don't seem to get it, they don't understand that they are a minority, and they don't understand why they are a disliked minority.
Robert Novak said, "Mormonism is the only minority category where bias in America has deepened" (Mitt's Mormon Mess). “Few Americans have an accurate understanding of who we are and what we believe [as Latter-day Saints]” "The resulting ignorance is causing increasing antagonism and fear of us," says Gary Lawrence in his book How Americans View Mormonism. A look at the statistics is staggering. (CBS Poll, Pew Forum, Washington Post). Only 25% of Americans, according to the CBS poll, have a favorable view of Mormons. That's 75% of Americans that don't have a favorable view of Mormons. People make similar associations with Mormons as they do with Militant Muslims.
Most of this surprises Mormons (even more so before Romney's bid for President). I've found that because Mormons talk about family values and Jesus Christ and being the fastest growing American religion (which is actually not true), they believe that they are far more mainstream than the rest of America perceives them. When Mormons become aware of other's negative perceptions of them, they seem to always blame the media. HBO's "Big Love." The News and reports of Jeff Warrens. Hollywood attacks because of Prop 8. It's all a big media conspiracy. Well guess what. I don't buy it. I think when facing negative perceptions the Mormons should be looking inward rather than outward, as easy of a scapegoat as the media is.
It is disturbing that most Mormons don't really understand why they are disliked. They don't realize how elitist and exclusive their temples and weddings are, for example, or how arrogant the redesigned mormon.org is. The Church pumped a lot of work and money into the "Truth Restored" design in 2007 (it introduced the video segments still on the site and on youtube). A friend of mine who works with Church PR told me about how when the Church did studies on people's reaction to the new site, non-members thought it was extremely arrogant while Mormons thought it was amazing. They did the site over again to focus on "answers to life's questions," but I think it still comes across as arrogant.
In Elder's Quorum this past Sunday I was taught that you shouldn't teach nonmembers anything beyond the basic teachings of the gospel because they can't handle it. No meat before milk. Aside from making Latter-day Saints seem secretive, this is extremely patronizing. "We have all the answers and we will decide what to share with you based on how ready we feel you are for the truth (aka how much you can handle)."
What is really sad is that in not fully realizing their minority status, Mormons hurt themselves by mistreating other minorities. I'm sorry, but when the rights of one minority are threatened, the rights of all minorities are threatened. Minorities need to be protecting each other, not hurting each other.
Robert Novak said, "Mormonism is the only minority category where bias in America has deepened" (Mitt's Mormon Mess). “Few Americans have an accurate understanding of who we are and what we believe [as Latter-day Saints]” "The resulting ignorance is causing increasing antagonism and fear of us," says Gary Lawrence in his book How Americans View Mormonism. A look at the statistics is staggering. (CBS Poll, Pew Forum, Washington Post). Only 25% of Americans, according to the CBS poll, have a favorable view of Mormons. That's 75% of Americans that don't have a favorable view of Mormons. People make similar associations with Mormons as they do with Militant Muslims.
Most of this surprises Mormons (even more so before Romney's bid for President). I've found that because Mormons talk about family values and Jesus Christ and being the fastest growing American religion (which is actually not true), they believe that they are far more mainstream than the rest of America perceives them. When Mormons become aware of other's negative perceptions of them, they seem to always blame the media. HBO's "Big Love." The News and reports of Jeff Warrens. Hollywood attacks because of Prop 8. It's all a big media conspiracy. Well guess what. I don't buy it. I think when facing negative perceptions the Mormons should be looking inward rather than outward, as easy of a scapegoat as the media is.
It is disturbing that most Mormons don't really understand why they are disliked. They don't realize how elitist and exclusive their temples and weddings are, for example, or how arrogant the redesigned mormon.org is. The Church pumped a lot of work and money into the "Truth Restored" design in 2007 (it introduced the video segments still on the site and on youtube). A friend of mine who works with Church PR told me about how when the Church did studies on people's reaction to the new site, non-members thought it was extremely arrogant while Mormons thought it was amazing. They did the site over again to focus on "answers to life's questions," but I think it still comes across as arrogant.
In Elder's Quorum this past Sunday I was taught that you shouldn't teach nonmembers anything beyond the basic teachings of the gospel because they can't handle it. No meat before milk. Aside from making Latter-day Saints seem secretive, this is extremely patronizing. "We have all the answers and we will decide what to share with you based on how ready we feel you are for the truth (aka how much you can handle)."
What is really sad is that in not fully realizing their minority status, Mormons hurt themselves by mistreating other minorities. I'm sorry, but when the rights of one minority are threatened, the rights of all minorities are threatened. Minorities need to be protecting each other, not hurting each other.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Sung by Pioneers Who Pushed Westward Against an Unforgiving Wilderness
I am treading very carefully with this post because I know I will be touching very sensitive issues. I am not trying to offend active Latter-day Saints, nor am I trying to attack the Church. If you come away feeling angry towards Mormonism, then I hope it is because of your own feelings regarding the historical document I produce, and not my rhetoric. My point here is to explain to active Mormons that is possible to believe in and practice their faith without condemning homosexuality and gay rights.
Proposition 8 is certainly not the first time that the Church has been involved in politics, nor is it the first time that a prophet has stepped into a fight for equality deemed to be of epoch proportions. President Brigham Young, revered as prophet by Latter-day Saints, was the chief executive of Utah Territory. As governor and prophet, he said a lot of things on both politics and religion.
The following is from a speech by Governor Young in Joint Session of the Legislature, Feb. 5th 1852. I find it highly relevant in a day when we celebrate the first black president of the United States and in a day when the Utah legislature repeatedly rejects bills that would give gays only basic rights.
What would President/Governor Young have thought about President Obama? That's a subject for a whole other conversation. My point now is this: Mormon's reconcile the above statement. They don't loose any sleep over it. I don't care how they do it, it really doesn't matter. They may say that in this speech he was speaking as the Governor and not as the Prophet, and therefore these words are not binding on the Church or its members. They may say that these are just his opinions and do not constitute revelation or the Word of God. They may say that Brigham Young was just a product of his time and that these sentiments were shared by most if not all Americans in 1850.
However you reconcile it is your business; my point is simply that you have to reconcile it to be Mormon. You just have to. And if you can somehow disapprove with the message of this speech and reconcile it with your belief that Brigham Young was a prophet, can you not do the same with Thomas Monson's fight against gay rights?
Church leaders and LDS politicians are saying the same thing now that Brigham did then. They are saying that gays should be treated with dignity and respect, but that they shouldn't be equal. They shouldn't participate in Church. They shouldn't have their unions sanctioned by the State. They brought this curse on themselves through their own decisions. Gay rights advocates in the east have their whole argument calculated by Dark Counsel--It's Satan's subtle plan to overthrow the family. Let's not pass bills that would attract them and make them come to Utah. We certainly cannot through our silence let secular America make gays are equals. We must and will stand up and fight in the ballot box and in the legislature and in the media.
It's the same thing going on! And if you are active in the LDS faith, I implore you to please disagree with this hateful anti-gay rhetoric. Don't stand for it. Don't put up with it. You can still keep your faith. You have already had to reconcile this once before, you can do it again.
We can put this whole thing in a vault in Salt Lake City and pretend that the Church never preached it! And I'm fine with that. Let's do it. Let's hide everything the Church has said about homosexuals and have the anti-Mormons dig it up for their pamphlets and let Church members scoff and say, "I don't care what you say, I have my faith and I know that's not true." I beg you all to please, usher in that day when the Church will be embarrassed prop 8 ever happened. That day is going to come when the active membership of the Church reconciles what is happening now but doesn't approve. It's going to happen when people who believe in equality don't leave the Church, but instead keep their faith. So, if that's you, thanks. Unfortunately I doubt I will be one of the ones making that day happen.
Proposition 8 is certainly not the first time that the Church has been involved in politics, nor is it the first time that a prophet has stepped into a fight for equality deemed to be of epoch proportions. President Brigham Young, revered as prophet by Latter-day Saints, was the chief executive of Utah Territory. As governor and prophet, he said a lot of things on both politics and religion.
The following is from a speech by Governor Young in Joint Session of the Legislature, Feb. 5th 1852. I find it highly relevant in a day when we celebrate the first black president of the United States and in a day when the Utah legislature repeatedly rejects bills that would give gays only basic rights.
"Again to the subject before us; as to The men bearing rule; not one of the children of old Cain, have one partical of right to bear Rule in Government affairs from first to last, they have no buisness there. this privilege was taken from them by there own transgressions, and I cannot help it; and should you or I bear rule we ought to do it with dignity and honour before God. . .
. . . Therefore I will not consent for one moment to have an african dictate me or any Bren. with regard to Church or State Government. I may vary in my veiwes from others, and they may think I am foolish in the things I have spoken, and think that they know more than I do, but I know I know more than they do. If the Affricans cannot bear rule in the Church of God, what buisness have they to bear rule in the State and Government affairs of this Territory or any others? . . .
. . . [T]he Africans are Citizens, . . . It is our duty to take care of them, and administer to them in all the acts of humanity, and kindness, they shall have the right of Citizenship, but shall not have the right to dictate in Church and State matters. The abolishonists of the east, have cirest them them, and. their whol argument are callculated to darken Counsel, as it was here yesterday. As for our bills passing here, we may lay the foundation for what? for men to come here from Africa or else where; by hundreds of thousands. When these men come here from the Islands, are they going to hold offices in Government No. It is for men who understand the knowlege of Government affairs to hold such offices, and on the other make provisions for them to plow, and to reap, and enjoy all that human beings can enjoy, and we protect them in it. Do we know how to amilerate the condition of these people? we do. Supose that five thousands of them come from the pacific Islands, and ten or fifteen thousands from Japan, or from China, not one soul of them would know how to vote for a Government officer, they therefore ought not in the first thing have anything to do in Government afairs.
What the Gentiles are doing we are consenting to do. What we are trying to do to day is to make the Negro equal with us in all our privilege. My voice shall be against all the day long. I shall not consent for one moment I will will call them a counsel. I say I will not consent for one moment for you to lay a plan to bring a curse upon this people. I shall not be while I am here."
(Brigham Young Addresses, Ms d 1234, Box 48, folder 3, dated Feb. 5, 1852, located in the LDS Church Historical Department, Salt Lake City, Utah. Emphasis mine.)
What would President/Governor Young have thought about President Obama? That's a subject for a whole other conversation. My point now is this: Mormon's reconcile the above statement. They don't loose any sleep over it. I don't care how they do it, it really doesn't matter. They may say that in this speech he was speaking as the Governor and not as the Prophet, and therefore these words are not binding on the Church or its members. They may say that these are just his opinions and do not constitute revelation or the Word of God. They may say that Brigham Young was just a product of his time and that these sentiments were shared by most if not all Americans in 1850.
However you reconcile it is your business; my point is simply that you have to reconcile it to be Mormon. You just have to. And if you can somehow disapprove with the message of this speech and reconcile it with your belief that Brigham Young was a prophet, can you not do the same with Thomas Monson's fight against gay rights?
Church leaders and LDS politicians are saying the same thing now that Brigham did then. They are saying that gays should be treated with dignity and respect, but that they shouldn't be equal. They shouldn't participate in Church. They shouldn't have their unions sanctioned by the State. They brought this curse on themselves through their own decisions. Gay rights advocates in the east have their whole argument calculated by Dark Counsel--It's Satan's subtle plan to overthrow the family. Let's not pass bills that would attract them and make them come to Utah. We certainly cannot through our silence let secular America make gays are equals. We must and will stand up and fight in the ballot box and in the legislature and in the media.
It's the same thing going on! And if you are active in the LDS faith, I implore you to please disagree with this hateful anti-gay rhetoric. Don't stand for it. Don't put up with it. You can still keep your faith. You have already had to reconcile this once before, you can do it again.
We can put this whole thing in a vault in Salt Lake City and pretend that the Church never preached it! And I'm fine with that. Let's do it. Let's hide everything the Church has said about homosexuals and have the anti-Mormons dig it up for their pamphlets and let Church members scoff and say, "I don't care what you say, I have my faith and I know that's not true." I beg you all to please, usher in that day when the Church will be embarrassed prop 8 ever happened. That day is going to come when the active membership of the Church reconciles what is happening now but doesn't approve. It's going to happen when people who believe in equality don't leave the Church, but instead keep their faith. So, if that's you, thanks. Unfortunately I doubt I will be one of the ones making that day happen.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Then You Go And Cut Me Down
I love this comic so much because it describes a very real awkwardness in a lighthearted way. There is an awkwardness in what the Church currently offers homosexuals. If you strip away all the emotion of prop 8 and all the personal turmoil and history you may have and just look at what the Church offers to those that are already living a gay lifestyle, its kinda funny. We talk so much about gays who grow up in the Church and who must make extensive sacrifices--but what of those who grow up as Unitarians in LA, fall in love and marry in Boston, and raise a family there? What about those good people, established in their homes and families, who answer the door and find two Mormon missionaries?
To be baptized, they would need to get divorced. Who takes the kid(s)? If they believed in the Church, but decided not to get divorced, then they are told they will be angelic, but ministering, servants of others whose marriage is more holy than theirs. How awkward is that? No wonder the Church took such a strong stance on proposition 8. The more secure, stable, and common gay families become, the more awkward and obvious this situation is.
I think then, that it is fair to say that the Church doesn't want to recruit these gay families. The Church doesn't want them to join the Church. It's message is certainly not enticing to them, and the process to join is not possible without destroying their family.
It reminds me of something an old man in Glendale told me while I was on my mission. He said that when he was a missionary in the 60's, he was taught not to teach African Americans because they couldn't hold the priesthood or go to the temple and it wasn't time to bring them the gospel yet. He was taught that if a black man or woman answered the door, he was to say, "Oh excuse me, I thought this was the Jone's house," and the person at the door would smile and say, "Oh no, they live three doors down." There weren't really Jone's three doors down, but this was the way to avoid a conflict or awkward situation.
Is this how missionaries in Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Canada, Spain, etc. are trained now in relation to gay families? I can really understand why the Church would be so afraid of gay marriage. And yet, I can also see how the Church has really fenced itself into a corner on this one. At some point, gay marriage will be established in major places of the world, and the Church will be missing a major group of people that it could proselyte to. There will be a large group of people to whom the Church will not be able to bring its gospel.
But that's just it. All the evidence says that the Church doesn't want to bring the gospel to those people. It's an interesting train of thought to consider. And it does beg the question, what are the implications of this thought on gays who grow up in the Church? Does the Church want gay members at all?
Friday, February 1, 2008
Hello to a Broken World
from a draft written on Tuesday, January 29, 2008:
I need to be writing my essay right now, but I have too much on my mind and I need to get it off my mind, so I am blogging.
Item Number One. President Hinckley. I love him. I love him in part because of how much change he brought to the Church. Even before he was the prophet, he brought significant changes to the Church that helped it become more accessible to other members and that helped it become more like what I believe God intended the Church to be like. I hope future prophets continue with that wonderful legacy.
Item Number Two. The news of President Hinckley's death came at a bad time. Mormon Enigma asked, "What were you doing when you got the news about President Hinkley?" This question has a funny answer, one that I'll keep to myself. That's not what I meant by bad time though. It came at a bad time because that day I was feeling more anti-Mormon than I ever thought I could feel. Why?
Item Number Three. One of my friends from home who went on his mission at the same time as me told his parents this past week that he was leaving the Church. His parents exploded and said he had to attend church or they wouldn't financially support him. Romulus and Remus (also friends from home) came out to their parents, and their parents reacted somewhat similar to mine. Not ideal. Contrast that to Draco's coming out to his Lutheran parents and to his brother. His family, though also believing homosexuality is wrong and against all they were taught and believed, reacted with love and support.
Item Number Four. There is something downright disgusting about something that makes people react with so much hatred, fear, devastation, helplessness, etc. to someone who announces feelings or beliefs that are different than their own.
Item Number Five. I am jealous of those people with families who don't have that disgusting something, whatever it is you think that causes that disgusting something. Right now, I am trying hard (well not too hard) not to view the Church as the common thread.
I need to be writing my essay right now, but I have too much on my mind and I need to get it off my mind, so I am blogging.
Item Number One. President Hinckley. I love him. I love him in part because of how much change he brought to the Church. Even before he was the prophet, he brought significant changes to the Church that helped it become more accessible to other members and that helped it become more like what I believe God intended the Church to be like. I hope future prophets continue with that wonderful legacy.
Item Number Two. The news of President Hinckley's death came at a bad time. Mormon Enigma asked, "What were you doing when you got the news about President Hinkley?" This question has a funny answer, one that I'll keep to myself. That's not what I meant by bad time though. It came at a bad time because that day I was feeling more anti-Mormon than I ever thought I could feel. Why?
Item Number Three. One of my friends from home who went on his mission at the same time as me told his parents this past week that he was leaving the Church. His parents exploded and said he had to attend church or they wouldn't financially support him. Romulus and Remus (also friends from home) came out to their parents, and their parents reacted somewhat similar to mine. Not ideal. Contrast that to Draco's coming out to his Lutheran parents and to his brother. His family, though also believing homosexuality is wrong and against all they were taught and believed, reacted with love and support.
Item Number Four. There is something downright disgusting about something that makes people react with so much hatred, fear, devastation, helplessness, etc. to someone who announces feelings or beliefs that are different than their own.
Item Number Five. I am jealous of those people with families who don't have that disgusting something, whatever it is you think that causes that disgusting something. Right now, I am trying hard (well not too hard) not to view the Church as the common thread.
Friday, January 25, 2008
the things you were taught to run from
A few days ago I quoted Joseph F. Smith.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has failed to make its gay members prosperous and happy and therefore cannot be depended upon to save them spiritually or to exalt them in the life to come. I realize that as a gut response to that cringe-causing thesis, many of you are going to tell me how happy you are as a gay Mormon. Please do. It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that as a whole I see a lack of prosperity and happiness amongst homosexuals in the Church.
What is prosperity and happiness? Prosperity is physical success, growth, and health. Happiness includes a feeling of satisfaction about ones situation.
I'm not here to argue about the financial welfare of gay Mormons because I don't think that is really important. When I talk about prospering in the Church, I'm talking about growth and health. It is true that gay Latter-day Saints grow a great deal from their afflictions. There are limits to their growth, however. A gay Latter-day Saint who is active in the Church cannot grow in sexual or romantic love, for example. If he heeds current advice and is celibate, he cannot grow in the priesthood as a Bishop or general authority (despite the enormous sacrifices he makes and the qualifications those sacrifices give him spiritually). Quite honestly he cannot even grow in an exalted state until (or unless) he is awarded with a spouse at the resurrection.
As an offshoot of the "growth" category, I am going to include family life in the concept of prosperity. I think most Latter-day Saints would agree that having a family is part of prospering. Mormons who aren't attracted to the opposite gender, though, and who can't function well in a mixed orientation setting, cannot have families. They cannot marry someone they love and raise children with him.
Then there is health. Gay Mormons don't have a good history when it comes to mental health. Granted, not all are nut cases, but the vast majority have needed some sort of professional help to deal with feelings of self-loathing, failure, compulsive behavior, shame, rejection, loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc. Though the Church is not obligated to fix all of these problems, I feel it did indirectly cause them and is therefore responsible for them. The Church fosters an environment where being gay is bad and therefore youth who are gay feel bad. They are so afraid of being gay they give themselves complexes. I certainly don't think the Church is the only thing to do this-- American society has helped a lot, but the Church, being inspired of God, should have programs and policies that uplift youth and build their self-worth.
This leads us to happiness. The most satisfied gay people that I know are the ones that have left or plan to leave the Church. It's hard to be satisfied in a situation where you must be romantically alone for the rest of your mortal life, never learning what it is like to fall in love. It's hard to be satisfied when you are constantly being reminded about how you can't act out your natural desires but aren't being given anything that helps you to change your desires. It's hard to be satisfied when you feel isolated and out of place at Church. It's hard to be satisfied attending a church that puts so much emphasis on family living- a living that you can't have until after you die. That doesn't sound like a religion making one "happy here" on Earth.
There are so many wonderful blessings that the Church bestows upon its members. So many of those blessings, however, are withheld from its gay members. I just don't believe that it allows them to prosper or be happy. I encourage all straight people who can benefit from Mormonism to take advantage of the amazing things it has to offer. But if you are gay, please know that it is not your fault that you aren't getting those amazing things. You were not designed for Mormonism.
Well, those are the controversial feelings I have been having as of late. Let the hate mail flow.
"It has always been a cardinal teaching with the Latter-day Saints, that a religion which has not the power to save the people temporally and make them prosperous and happy here cannot be depended upon to save them spiritually, and exalt them in the life to come"(quoted in L. Arrington, Great Basin Kingdom, 1958, p. 425, n. 16).I'd like to expound on how I feel about this principle.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has failed to make its gay members prosperous and happy and therefore cannot be depended upon to save them spiritually or to exalt them in the life to come. I realize that as a gut response to that cringe-causing thesis, many of you are going to tell me how happy you are as a gay Mormon. Please do. It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that as a whole I see a lack of prosperity and happiness amongst homosexuals in the Church.
What is prosperity and happiness? Prosperity is physical success, growth, and health. Happiness includes a feeling of satisfaction about ones situation.
I'm not here to argue about the financial welfare of gay Mormons because I don't think that is really important. When I talk about prospering in the Church, I'm talking about growth and health. It is true that gay Latter-day Saints grow a great deal from their afflictions. There are limits to their growth, however. A gay Latter-day Saint who is active in the Church cannot grow in sexual or romantic love, for example. If he heeds current advice and is celibate, he cannot grow in the priesthood as a Bishop or general authority (despite the enormous sacrifices he makes and the qualifications those sacrifices give him spiritually). Quite honestly he cannot even grow in an exalted state until (or unless) he is awarded with a spouse at the resurrection.
As an offshoot of the "growth" category, I am going to include family life in the concept of prosperity. I think most Latter-day Saints would agree that having a family is part of prospering. Mormons who aren't attracted to the opposite gender, though, and who can't function well in a mixed orientation setting, cannot have families. They cannot marry someone they love and raise children with him.
Then there is health. Gay Mormons don't have a good history when it comes to mental health. Granted, not all are nut cases, but the vast majority have needed some sort of professional help to deal with feelings of self-loathing, failure, compulsive behavior, shame, rejection, loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc. Though the Church is not obligated to fix all of these problems, I feel it did indirectly cause them and is therefore responsible for them. The Church fosters an environment where being gay is bad and therefore youth who are gay feel bad. They are so afraid of being gay they give themselves complexes. I certainly don't think the Church is the only thing to do this-- American society has helped a lot, but the Church, being inspired of God, should have programs and policies that uplift youth and build their self-worth.
This leads us to happiness. The most satisfied gay people that I know are the ones that have left or plan to leave the Church. It's hard to be satisfied in a situation where you must be romantically alone for the rest of your mortal life, never learning what it is like to fall in love. It's hard to be satisfied when you are constantly being reminded about how you can't act out your natural desires but aren't being given anything that helps you to change your desires. It's hard to be satisfied when you feel isolated and out of place at Church. It's hard to be satisfied attending a church that puts so much emphasis on family living- a living that you can't have until after you die. That doesn't sound like a religion making one "happy here" on Earth.
There are so many wonderful blessings that the Church bestows upon its members. So many of those blessings, however, are withheld from its gay members. I just don't believe that it allows them to prosper or be happy. I encourage all straight people who can benefit from Mormonism to take advantage of the amazing things it has to offer. But if you are gay, please know that it is not your fault that you aren't getting those amazing things. You were not designed for Mormonism.
Well, those are the controversial feelings I have been having as of late. Let the hate mail flow.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Beyond here and on to eternity
In my post yesterday, I mentioned the possibilities of using sealing power to seal two men together. At the time I was unaware of historical precedent for doing that. I now stand enlightened. Apparently (I would love confirmations on this) men have been sealed together by sealing authority in the Church under a principle called "The Law of Adoption." This is not the same as a homosexual union or marriage. Rather it was a way for two men (likely married to women) to enter into some sort of non-sexual, socially codependent relationship. Even still, the precedent opens up possibilities. It is possible to seal two men together with Priesthood authority.
Perhaps it would be different from exalted marriage, and therefore the eternal posterity would not come to those joined in this type of sealing. (solving the biggest doctrinal obstacle to the practice). I would imagine this fitting into our understanding of exaltation and the hereafter by resulting in two same gendered Celestial Angels sealed together. I'm ok being a Celestial Angel (still a God with divine power, but not a Heavenly Father). What I'm not ok with is being alone for eternity. Couldn't this reconcile that?
There is certainly historical precedence for men exercising creative powers together. Our world was created by Elohim, Jehovah, and Michael, for example (and both Jehovah and Michael were single and disembodied). Thus, a same gendered Godly couple could go around creating worlds. Maybe I'll let my straight God friends populate them for me . . .
Perhaps it would be different from exalted marriage, and therefore the eternal posterity would not come to those joined in this type of sealing. (solving the biggest doctrinal obstacle to the practice). I would imagine this fitting into our understanding of exaltation and the hereafter by resulting in two same gendered Celestial Angels sealed together. I'm ok being a Celestial Angel (still a God with divine power, but not a Heavenly Father). What I'm not ok with is being alone for eternity. Couldn't this reconcile that?There is certainly historical precedence for men exercising creative powers together. Our world was created by Elohim, Jehovah, and Michael, for example (and both Jehovah and Michael were single and disembodied). Thus, a same gendered Godly couple could go around creating worlds. Maybe I'll let my straight God friends populate them for me . . .
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Wickedness thrust upon them?
I should be doing homework, but Abelard Enigma posted the most beautiful, realistic, appropriate, well-rounded, fair, qualified, informed, and educated descriptions of the three options that Latter-day Saints with SSA face. Please read them.
Option 1 Mixed Orientation Marriage
Option 2 Celibacy
Option 3 A Homosexual Relationship
Reading these options and the well developed pros and cons of each one sent me down a thought path I'd like to share. What do I expect from the Church, and is it a reasonable expectation?
Personally, I expect the Church to one day find a healthy option for same-gender-attracted Latter-day Saints. I don't believe that mixed orientation marriages or celibacy (or suicide) are healthy options. I believe that same gender relationships, even marriages, are healthy options. I won't say it's the only option, in case my imagination isn't good enough, but I will say it is a healthy option.
Is it reasonable (doctrinally and socially) to expect the Church to sanction same sex relationships? I vote yes. In fact, I believe the Church has several resources that put it in more of a position to accept same gender marriages than other religions. Here they are:
1. Revelation. We claim the divine right to learn new doctrines that haven't previously been revealed. We can make changes. We have a fluidity that other Churches don't allow. Generally speaking, the members of the Church follow these revelations when the Prophets receive them.
2. Three books of scripture written for our day that don't condemn or warn against homosexuality. Seriously, if homosexuality is such a big problem, why doesn't the Book of Mormon warn us against it when it was written with our day in vision? Unlike other Churches which rely solely on one book of ancient scripture, we have books of both modern and ancient scripture. And I don't see any incompatibility with any of those books, even the Bible. I think a same gender marriage would work with the standard works.
3. Sealing power. We have the power to seal people together beyond mortality. Why can't it be a man and a man? We use the sealing power to unite a child to parents who aren't biologically theirs. Why can't we use the power to unite a homosexual family? We don't need genes and blood to create families, we just need love, covenants, and Priesthood authority. Let's not forget we have a history of unorthodox marriages that were sealed with this power. Now, it is God's power, and we must use it the way He wants it used, but if he could sanction it for sealing a man to twenty seven women, or to children that aren't his, I have a hard time understanding why God wouldn't want to seal two same gendered people together.
See? It's not impossible for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to accept homosexuality. I think it would work quite well. I hope and pray that one day the Church will do it. I wish it would be more progressive about it, but historically speaking it's not a progressive Church. A black man and a black woman couldn't be sealed together in the Temple until 1979. That's disgusting. I hope that one day a man and a man can be sealed together. And I hope that my children will say, "That's disgusting" when they think that it couldn't happen until 2027.
Option 1 Mixed Orientation MarriageOption 2 Celibacy
Option 3 A Homosexual Relationship
Reading these options and the well developed pros and cons of each one sent me down a thought path I'd like to share. What do I expect from the Church, and is it a reasonable expectation?
Personally, I expect the Church to one day find a healthy option for same-gender-attracted Latter-day Saints. I don't believe that mixed orientation marriages or celibacy (or suicide) are healthy options. I believe that same gender relationships, even marriages, are healthy options. I won't say it's the only option, in case my imagination isn't good enough, but I will say it is a healthy option.
Is it reasonable (doctrinally and socially) to expect the Church to sanction same sex relationships? I vote yes. In fact, I believe the Church has several resources that put it in more of a position to accept same gender marriages than other religions. Here they are:
1. Revelation. We claim the divine right to learn new doctrines that haven't previously been revealed. We can make changes. We have a fluidity that other Churches don't allow. Generally speaking, the members of the Church follow these revelations when the Prophets receive them.
2. Three books of scripture written for our day that don't condemn or warn against homosexuality. Seriously, if homosexuality is such a big problem, why doesn't the Book of Mormon warn us against it when it was written with our day in vision? Unlike other Churches which rely solely on one book of ancient scripture, we have books of both modern and ancient scripture. And I don't see any incompatibility with any of those books, even the Bible. I think a same gender marriage would work with the standard works.
3. Sealing power. We have the power to seal people together beyond mortality. Why can't it be a man and a man? We use the sealing power to unite a child to parents who aren't biologically theirs. Why can't we use the power to unite a homosexual family? We don't need genes and blood to create families, we just need love, covenants, and Priesthood authority. Let's not forget we have a history of unorthodox marriages that were sealed with this power. Now, it is God's power, and we must use it the way He wants it used, but if he could sanction it for sealing a man to twenty seven women, or to children that aren't his, I have a hard time understanding why God wouldn't want to seal two same gendered people together.
See? It's not impossible for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to accept homosexuality. I think it would work quite well. I hope and pray that one day the Church will do it. I wish it would be more progressive about it, but historically speaking it's not a progressive Church. A black man and a black woman couldn't be sealed together in the Temple until 1979. That's disgusting. I hope that one day a man and a man can be sealed together. And I hope that my children will say, "That's disgusting" when they think that it couldn't happen until 2027.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
It's up that I fell
We talk a lot about the plan of salvation and what our place is in the plan. I think it is appropriate to look at Adam and his role in the plan, and consider ourselves as having similar opportunities and choices in front of us.
When Adam was created he was innocent. He didn't know right from wrong, although he was told what he should and shouldn't do. He was commanded to be happy, to dress the Garden of Eden, to fulfil the measure of his creation, and to multiply and replenish the Earth. He was also commanded to be with Eve, who was created as a companion for him because man was not meant to be alone. They were commanded not to eat the forbidden fruit. In fact, they were told that if they did eat it they would die.
Often when we think about how the Adam and Eve story applies to us as gay Latter-day Saints, we get caught up in the Adam and Eve part- the gender. It's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. We also get very caught up in the commandment to multiply and have babies that fill the Earth. Though those are important parts of the story, I would like to point out some of the other aspects of the story that I believe are just as important.
1. Man was not meant to be alone. When Eve partook of the fruit Adam was not going to partake. He resisted the temptation until she reminded him that her absence would make him a lone man in the garden. That was the motivation for him to partake of the fruit. He couldn't fulfil all of God's commandments by himself.
2. Man is that he might have joy. One thing that hit me over and over in the temple the other day was how much God wanted us to be happy. He commanded Adam to be happy. Adam, however, couldn't be happy until he learned right from wrong. The only way he could learn right from wrong (that we know, at least) was to partake of the forbidden fruit and be cast out of the garden. That is what he did.
Many Latter-day Saints talk a lot about Adam's fall being a good thing. The reality is, though, that he was breaking a commandment! He was doing what God told him not to do and reaped the negative consequences of it- death! Despite this, it was what many Mormons call a fall up. Now I believe there is sin. I believe that sin is wrong. I don't think Adam's transgression justifies sin, but perhaps there is a point to be made here.
Like Adam, we all have the ability to choose. We all want to be happy. We all want to be with someone. For some people that means breaking God's commandment and partaking of the forbidden fruit. It brings negative consequences, no doubt. At the same time, it may be necessary for some (I will include myself) to learn for themselves out of their own experiences. It may also be necessary to have broken the one commandment to fulfil God's other commandment to be happy. I have decided that if I don't partake of the forbidden fruit I will be alone, unhappy, and unable to progress in the areas where I want to progress. I would rather live with all the thorns of the dreary world with someone than as a lone man in paradise.
The best part about Adam's fall, is that even before he fell God had set up a plan to redeem him from the negative effects of his choices. In Jesus Christ the "death" part of eating the forbidden fruit is swallowed up. I don't think it is a healthy attitude to go and do whatever you want believing that you can fall back on the Atonement in the end. I do want to point out, however, that despite wanting Adam to fall so that man could progress, God never gave permission or indicated acceptance for eating the fruit. I think that's the point of this post, that there are choices we all face that are somewhat similar. Because we are different people, we may choose different things. In the process we will experience different consequences and realizations, both positive and negative.
As I anticipate comments to this post, I expect there to be warnings about apostasy. I'm not claiming this to be revelation, just thoughts. I expect some to say that sinning and repenting doesn't make you stronger than resisting sin (I would agree. That is not the point I was trying to make here at all). I also anticipate a comment telling me that same gender togetherness is only temporary and will lead to loneliness in the eternities. I expect warnings about justification too. And I anticipate some thoughts about what happiness is and how pleasure can be confused with happiness. That's all fine. Perhaps those will be posts for another day. All I ask is that you be respectful of my opinions, reasonable and mature in your reaction, and apply the same allowance for learning by experience to me that you have already applied to yourself.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Receiving Revelation
I still receive revelation. I always thought that if I accepted the fact that I am attracted to men I wouldn't receive revelation. I also thought that if I ever questioned the Church, I wouldn't receive revelation. Well, today in church, I received revelation. It was just as I have always received it.
I was feeling alright in Priesthood because of something the Bishop said about helping each other out when we feel "BLASTD"- bored, lonely, angry, sad, tired, or depressed. It made me realize how awesome my roommate is at recognizing that in me and in helping me. He's like the perfect example of what the Bishop said. It also made me realize how I can extend help to others, and how much the support of other mohos means to me.
So because I was feeling good about that, I suppose I was more open to the Spirit. During Conference, I had had a spiritual experience during the song "I Believe in Christ." It was a beautiful arrangement, and it just made me feel like being Mormon was such a beautiful thing. Anyway, in Sacrament Meeting we sang that song, and all of sudden these words jumped out at me: "I believe in Christ, He stands supreme. From Him I'll gain my fondest dream. And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'"
Yesterday I had a very good, meaningful conversation with my dad, and he told me that he just wants me to be happy. I have had that on my mind ever since. As I have been thinking about happiness, when I sang that line in the hymn, I suddenly realized that I could and would obtain happiness. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't even know why, but happiness is not some hope we aim for in the afterlife. It is something obtained as part of the mortal experience. That much was revealed to me.
I have other thoughts stemming from this bit of insight, but I think I will leave the post at that.
I was feeling alright in Priesthood because of something the Bishop said about helping each other out when we feel "BLASTD"- bored, lonely, angry, sad, tired, or depressed. It made me realize how awesome my roommate is at recognizing that in me and in helping me. He's like the perfect example of what the Bishop said. It also made me realize how I can extend help to others, and how much the support of other mohos means to me.
So because I was feeling good about that, I suppose I was more open to the Spirit. During Conference, I had had a spiritual experience during the song "I Believe in Christ." It was a beautiful arrangement, and it just made me feel like being Mormon was such a beautiful thing. Anyway, in Sacrament Meeting we sang that song, and all of sudden these words jumped out at me: "I believe in Christ, He stands supreme. From Him I'll gain my fondest dream. And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'"
Yesterday I had a very good, meaningful conversation with my dad, and he told me that he just wants me to be happy. I have had that on my mind ever since. As I have been thinking about happiness, when I sang that line in the hymn, I suddenly realized that I could and would obtain happiness. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't even know why, but happiness is not some hope we aim for in the afterlife. It is something obtained as part of the mortal experience. That much was revealed to me.
I have other thoughts stemming from this bit of insight, but I think I will leave the post at that.
Heroic Excuses
I wrote this the other day, and my finger has lingered over the publish button for a while.
Sometimes I am afraid that being a moho is just a transition from mo to ho. I have started to wonder why I am staying in the repressed Mormon lifestyle. I don't think that it is because of my testimony any more, as much as that would be nice to believe. So then I thought that it was because leaving the LDS lifestyle would mean leaving my support networks- specifically my parents. Then I realized that recent events have already taken away the support of my parents. They are not a support right now.
Now I think that it is because I am the support network. Now that my parents suddenly aren't, I am. My siblings are so traumatized right now, I can't disrupt the last stable thing for them. But even as I type this I wonder, am I really that self-sacrificing? It is a rather heroic excuse. Is that just because I want the reason to be heroic, or is it because I am really heroic?
Maybe the real reason is that I have no balls. Why is that so hard to accept?
P.S. This post makes me sound weak. It is really scary to allow myself to be seen as weak. I am still trying to maintain, however, this forum of honesty. Even now that I know some of you.
P.P.S. If you didn't, you should read Mormon Enigma's post, "What is it that we really want?"
Sometimes I am afraid that being a moho is just a transition from mo to ho. I have started to wonder why I am staying in the repressed Mormon lifestyle. I don't think that it is because of my testimony any more, as much as that would be nice to believe. So then I thought that it was because leaving the LDS lifestyle would mean leaving my support networks- specifically my parents. Then I realized that recent events have already taken away the support of my parents. They are not a support right now.
Now I think that it is because I am the support network. Now that my parents suddenly aren't, I am. My siblings are so traumatized right now, I can't disrupt the last stable thing for them. But even as I type this I wonder, am I really that self-sacrificing? It is a rather heroic excuse. Is that just because I want the reason to be heroic, or is it because I am really heroic?
Maybe the real reason is that I have no balls. Why is that so hard to accept?
P.S. This post makes me sound weak. It is really scary to allow myself to be seen as weak. I am still trying to maintain, however, this forum of honesty. Even now that I know some of you.
P.P.S. If you didn't, you should read Mormon Enigma's post, "What is it that we really want?"
Monday, October 1, 2007
Eternal Happiness
One of the reasons I love Mormonism is the spiritual blessings it gives to it's members. I love the Temple and the blessings bestowed in the Temple. I love the revelations and the concept of divine communication with God. I love living Prophets. I love Joseph Smith. The inspired man declared, "As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints" (D&C 121:33). God has indeed poured down knowledge from heaven upon the Latter-day Saints, but he's not done pouring. I believe that God will yet reveal important things pertaining to the eternal salvation and happiness of homosexual Latter-day Saints. In the mean time we need to make use with what we have. As we examine what God has already revealed generally about eternal salvation and eternal happiness, we can better understand what we need to do to experience these blessings.
As far as I'm concerned, Joseph Smith received one of the most significant revelations on Eternal Life in the history of this world. He saw in vision things that had never before been seen, including degrees of glory within Heaven. The promise made to him at the beginning of the vision applies to all of us.
Included in that beautiful vision, the Prophet saw the Celestial Kingdom, the ultimate hope of all Latter-day Saints. Both the requirements for this Kingdom and the blessings of that Kingdom are clearly identified.
Where does marriage fit into eternal life, then? Further revelation was revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith. The Lord explained, "In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it. He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase" (D&C 121:1-3). Within the Celestial Kingdom-- within eternal happiness, there are three degrees. The difference between the highest degree and the other two is that only in the highest degree is there "an increase." What is an increase? I believe that this refers to eternal posterity. To have children in the eternities, it takes a man and a wife. The same as here. This is not a surprise. I find it interesting that it is only one out of three parts of the Celestial Kingdom that will have an increase. Not necessarily 33% of celestial people, but there are two other levels within eternal happiness that don't have an increase.
In Joseph Smith's most controversial revelation, this notion of increase is developed more.
In light of all that has currently been revealed, those who do not marry but are faithful to baptismal and Temple covenants, including homosexuals who choose not to marry, enter the Celestial Kingdom as gods in their saved condition, but do not have continuing seed or the power to procreate. They do have, however, eternal happiness. Those who do marry in the Temple pass by these gods and go on to create and inherit eternal posterity and creative power. They have an added happiness- that of posterity- that the others will never experience.
Understanding this helps me to make decisions and to feel like I have a part in the Plan of Salvation. At this stage in my life, eternal marriage sounds more like eternal hell. To be sealed to a woman would not be happiness for me- at least not now. And you know what? I'm ok with that. I'm ok with divine Angelic status. I think I would love being an Angel- I would find a lot of fulfillment as an Angel. Being single doesn't exclude me from the blessings of divinity promised by the Church. I can still inherit eternal life in the Celestial Kingdom and be happy forever. And who knows, maybe a revelation that allows two men to be sealed together- something that has never before been revealed- will one day be poured down from Heaven.
As far as I'm concerned, Joseph Smith received one of the most significant revelations on Eternal Life in the history of this world. He saw in vision things that had never before been seen, including degrees of glory within Heaven. The promise made to him at the beginning of the vision applies to all of us.
"I, the Lord, am merciful and gracious unto those who fear me . . . And to them will I reveal all mysteries, yea, all the hidden mysteries of my kingdom from days of old, and for ages to come, will I make known unto them the good pleasure of my will concerning all things pertaining to my kingdom . . . even the wonders of eternity shall they know, and things to come will I show them, even the things of many generations . . . yea, even those things which eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor yet entered into the heart of man" (D&C 75:5-10).For ages to come the Lord will continue to reveal to His servants great things pertaining to His kingdom that have never before been revealed.
Included in that beautiful vision, the Prophet saw the Celestial Kingdom, the ultimate hope of all Latter-day Saints. Both the requirements for this Kingdom and the blessings of that Kingdom are clearly identified.
"They are they who received the testimony of Jesus, and believed on his name and were baptized . . . and receive the Holy Spirit by the laying on of the hands of him who is ordained and sealed unto this power; And who overcome by faith, and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, . . .They are they who are the church of the Firstborn. They are they into whose hands the Father has given all things— . . . Wherefore, as it is written, they are gods, even the sons of God— Wherefore, all things are theirs, whether life or death, or things present, or things to come, all are theirs and they are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s. . . These shall dwell in the presence of God and his Christ forever and ever. . . These are they who are just men made perfect through Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, who wrought out this perfect atonement through the shedding of his own blood. These are they whose bodies are celestial, whose glory is that of the sun, even the glory of God, the highest of all, whose glory the sun of the firmament is written of as being typical" (D&C 76:50-70).I think the excerpt speaks for itself, but I will emphasize that marriage is not a requirement for entrance into the Celestial Kingdom. Also, all members of the Kingdom are considered gods, the sons of God, and have all things in the presence of God forever. As far as I am concerned, that is eternal happiness.
Where does marriage fit into eternal life, then? Further revelation was revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith. The Lord explained, "In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it. He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase" (D&C 121:1-3). Within the Celestial Kingdom-- within eternal happiness, there are three degrees. The difference between the highest degree and the other two is that only in the highest degree is there "an increase." What is an increase? I believe that this refers to eternal posterity. To have children in the eternities, it takes a man and a wife. The same as here. This is not a surprise. I find it interesting that it is only one out of three parts of the Celestial Kingdom that will have an increase. Not necessarily 33% of celestial people, but there are two other levels within eternal happiness that don't have an increase.
In Joseph Smith's most controversial revelation, this notion of increase is developed more.
Those who do not marry an eternal companion in the Temple but who are married outside of the Temple "are not bound by any law [of marriage] when they are out of the world. Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory. For these angels did not abide my law [of marriage]; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity; and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God forever and ever" (D&C 132:15-17, emphasis added). (Though this is spoken to those who are married outside of the Temple, it is the closest thing I can find pertaining to single saints and so I will assume that the description applies to those who never marry).In this description a different definition of "god" is used to denote a difference between a man and a woman united for eternity and a single person. Here the word "god" does not denote one of "the sons of God [of which] all things are theirs" as it did in section 76. Instead the word "god" in section 132 denotes those that "have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be gods, because they have call power, and the angels are subject unto them" (D&C 132:20). In reference to Eternal Marriage, the blessings of godhood are that they continue (ie. increase- posterity) and that they have all power (including the procreative power, again, an eternal increase). "[T]hey shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever" (D&C 132:19).
In light of all that has currently been revealed, those who do not marry but are faithful to baptismal and Temple covenants, including homosexuals who choose not to marry, enter the Celestial Kingdom as gods in their saved condition, but do not have continuing seed or the power to procreate. They do have, however, eternal happiness. Those who do marry in the Temple pass by these gods and go on to create and inherit eternal posterity and creative power. They have an added happiness- that of posterity- that the others will never experience.
Understanding this helps me to make decisions and to feel like I have a part in the Plan of Salvation. At this stage in my life, eternal marriage sounds more like eternal hell. To be sealed to a woman would not be happiness for me- at least not now. And you know what? I'm ok with that. I'm ok with divine Angelic status. I think I would love being an Angel- I would find a lot of fulfillment as an Angel. Being single doesn't exclude me from the blessings of divinity promised by the Church. I can still inherit eternal life in the Celestial Kingdom and be happy forever. And who knows, maybe a revelation that allows two men to be sealed together- something that has never before been revealed- will one day be poured down from Heaven.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Pioneering a New Future
Church was, as usual lately, ridiculously unspiritual, cold, callous, demeaning, and unpleasant. Two weeks ago I didn't go to church. On purpose. Actually I went, but left after 10 mins. Elder's quorum is first, and that's the worst part.
What was good and spiritual was some experiences I had last night and this morning. My spirituality is based in God, not in a church. I started a fast with a desperate prayer that was answered by the most beautiful feelings of divine love- I felt God tell me that he was proud of me. Then during the sacrament, I felt strong feelings of divine acceptance as I prayed. I have finally allowed myself to feel accepted by God. It's not that He didn't accept me before, it's that I didn't allow myself to feel it.
I confronted my Bishop and told him why Church was so challenging for me. His answer shocked me. He said the Church (referring to the people and organization, not doctrine or principle) needed to change and was changing, but that it would take time. He told me I was a pioneer. Like the sacrifices of the Mormon pioneers who crossed the plains and the sacrifices of black Mormons who faithfully waited for the Church to extend priesthood offices to them, my suffering will allow future people to live healthy lives.
On a slightly different note, I just watched Batman Begins. Perhaps my "coming out" to four good friends this week has been messing with my mind, but I swear there was a great scene in the movie. After saving her life again, Batman- Bruce- "comes out" to Rachael when he echoes a comment she had previously made. "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." It's an interesting sentiment. I'm not sure I agree, but I kinda do.
If my actions define me, then I am a great Mormon. It's who I am underneath that is different from what others perceive. Is that wrong? Is that dishonest? Is that weakness? Who knows.
What was good and spiritual was some experiences I had last night and this morning. My spirituality is based in God, not in a church. I started a fast with a desperate prayer that was answered by the most beautiful feelings of divine love- I felt God tell me that he was proud of me. Then during the sacrament, I felt strong feelings of divine acceptance as I prayed. I have finally allowed myself to feel accepted by God. It's not that He didn't accept me before, it's that I didn't allow myself to feel it.
I confronted my Bishop and told him why Church was so challenging for me. His answer shocked me. He said the Church (referring to the people and organization, not doctrine or principle) needed to change and was changing, but that it would take time. He told me I was a pioneer. Like the sacrifices of the Mormon pioneers who crossed the plains and the sacrifices of black Mormons who faithfully waited for the Church to extend priesthood offices to them, my suffering will allow future people to live healthy lives.
On a slightly different note, I just watched Batman Begins. Perhaps my "coming out" to four good friends this week has been messing with my mind, but I swear there was a great scene in the movie. After saving her life again, Batman- Bruce- "comes out" to Rachael when he echoes a comment she had previously made. "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." It's an interesting sentiment. I'm not sure I agree, but I kinda do.
If my actions define me, then I am a great Mormon. It's who I am underneath that is different from what others perceive. Is that wrong? Is that dishonest? Is that weakness? Who knows.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Promises
All the discoveries I have made since I started blogging have made me feel alive. Completely and wholly alive. Recently at church and around people from church, I have been feeling dead. And what's sad is that I don't even feel the Church is fighting for me. In this battle for my soul, the Church isn't even fighting for me. So why don't I leave it? Why can't I leave it? Why do I still love a group of people that act like an abusive boyfriend?
It's because of a promise that I made. That's the only thing I have to explain it. Baptismal covenants I can break. Temple covenants I can break. But this promise I made, I just can't break it. I don't want to. Here's the memory . . . I have adapted it from a journal entry I wrote when I was 17.
In the morning we went to breakfast and were fed some real food this time. The whole youth conference had been great thus far. After breakfast we went off and heard a very spiritual, very powerful message from President E****. We were then given the opportunity to go off and find a spot in the woods to 1. Identify the things about ourselves we hated, 2. Find specific ways to correct the perceived weaknesses, 3. Conduct a person conversation with God by 4. praying vocally, and then 5. read the contents of an envelope that was given to us. We were given over an hour for this solo experience.
I went off down the road and found a spot where I was completely alone. I knelt down in the tall grass. The sun was above me, and I could not look up because it was too bright. As I began to whisper my prayer, saying "We all know the weakness that haunts me" I was overcome with the bitterness of my sins. I felt darkness pressing in all around me and tears shook my entire body with the pain of my unrighteousness. I was curled up completely fetal, and my body was stiff and tense. I could not speak, but continued in my heart confessing and asking for help. My Father and I identified some solutions for my problem, and I committed to them. I was to seek the confidence of my Bishop when I got to BYU 3 months later, get help from a therapist, and serve a mission. The promise was that I would do these things if He would deliver me from this pain. I don't know how long I lay there curled up and convulsing, but it was a while before I finally was given the comfort of the Holy Ghost as I reflected on the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
There in the grass where I knelt, I proceeded to have a very intimate conversation with my Heavenly Father. I could feel the hand on my shoulder, lifting me from my agonized position. I was then leaning on my hands. I could not look up. The veil of Heaven thinned, and for the first time in my life I thought about having Heavenly Parents. It was the sweetest thing I had ever felt. I thanked my Father for my family and friends and leaders. I told them how hard it was to live here on Earth, and how much I missed them. My heart ached so much with it then. I longed for them. I think that God wanted me to understand the Divine role of Father and Mother and the eternal aspect of gender.
Heavenly Father told me that there were joys that I experience on Earth that exceeded the joys of Heaven before I was born because of the opposing challenges. What a comfort it was to me to know that coming here was worth the pains of mortality. I asked them more about what life was like before I was born, what I was like with them. I felt clearly a close relationship with them. I was reminded of my patriarchal blessing, and told that I was a loyal supporter of Jesus Christ. I was told that I convinced many spirits to come to Earth who might have otherwise rejected the Plan of Salvation.
God told me that just as there were people here whom I admired- Brother B*****, Pres. E****, Pres. J******, the P****'s, Brother K******, etc- there were spirits in the preexistence that I admired. Among them was Michael, the first man. I wanted to be like him.
I also felt pain when I thought of how hard it was to see spirits left behind- those who didn't chose the plan. If only we could have convinced more to accept the plan of Christ.
As I conversed with God I continually missed Him so much. I didn't want to stop, and I knew that my hour and a half was not over, but at one point I felt strongly that I had to say goodbye. I hugged my Heavenly Parents again. It was so emotional for me because I knew that I might not always remember them. I asked them to help me. I expressed appreciation for their Son Jesus Christ, and closed in his name.
As soon as I was done praying, the whole atmosphere around me changed. I felt the veil restored. I opened my envelope and read a letter from my earthly parents. It was touching. I spent a while reflecting on my experiences and reading Daniel chapter 10 in the Old Testament, and then I returned to camp when we were supposed to. I am so grateful for that personal "sacred grove" type experience. I now know exactly how possible it was for Joseph to see God the Father and His Son, and I believe that he did.
I have kept every aspect of the promise I made that day. And now, as I have just come home from my mission, I can feel Him lifting the pain. He is upholding his end of the bargain. What He is not doing is ridding me of the same gender attractions. Perhaps this is why I am so confused.
But I guess the point is, if God is keeping His promise, and I have kept my promise, then isn't that proof enough that the Church is true and I should follow it? It is this promise that makes me stay in the Church.
It's because of a promise that I made. That's the only thing I have to explain it. Baptismal covenants I can break. Temple covenants I can break. But this promise I made, I just can't break it. I don't want to. Here's the memory . . . I have adapted it from a journal entry I wrote when I was 17.
In the morning we went to breakfast and were fed some real food this time. The whole youth conference had been great thus far. After breakfast we went off and heard a very spiritual, very powerful message from President E****. We were then given the opportunity to go off and find a spot in the woods to 1. Identify the things about ourselves we hated, 2. Find specific ways to correct the perceived weaknesses, 3. Conduct a person conversation with God by 4. praying vocally, and then 5. read the contents of an envelope that was given to us. We were given over an hour for this solo experience.
I went off down the road and found a spot where I was completely alone. I knelt down in the tall grass. The sun was above me, and I could not look up because it was too bright. As I began to whisper my prayer, saying "We all know the weakness that haunts me" I was overcome with the bitterness of my sins. I felt darkness pressing in all around me and tears shook my entire body with the pain of my unrighteousness. I was curled up completely fetal, and my body was stiff and tense. I could not speak, but continued in my heart confessing and asking for help. My Father and I identified some solutions for my problem, and I committed to them. I was to seek the confidence of my Bishop when I got to BYU 3 months later, get help from a therapist, and serve a mission. The promise was that I would do these things if He would deliver me from this pain. I don't know how long I lay there curled up and convulsing, but it was a while before I finally was given the comfort of the Holy Ghost as I reflected on the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
There in the grass where I knelt, I proceeded to have a very intimate conversation with my Heavenly Father. I could feel the hand on my shoulder, lifting me from my agonized position. I was then leaning on my hands. I could not look up. The veil of Heaven thinned, and for the first time in my life I thought about having Heavenly Parents. It was the sweetest thing I had ever felt. I thanked my Father for my family and friends and leaders. I told them how hard it was to live here on Earth, and how much I missed them. My heart ached so much with it then. I longed for them. I think that God wanted me to understand the Divine role of Father and Mother and the eternal aspect of gender.
Heavenly Father told me that there were joys that I experience on Earth that exceeded the joys of Heaven before I was born because of the opposing challenges. What a comfort it was to me to know that coming here was worth the pains of mortality. I asked them more about what life was like before I was born, what I was like with them. I felt clearly a close relationship with them. I was reminded of my patriarchal blessing, and told that I was a loyal supporter of Jesus Christ. I was told that I convinced many spirits to come to Earth who might have otherwise rejected the Plan of Salvation.
God told me that just as there were people here whom I admired- Brother B*****, Pres. E****, Pres. J******, the P****'s, Brother K******, etc- there were spirits in the preexistence that I admired. Among them was Michael, the first man. I wanted to be like him.
I also felt pain when I thought of how hard it was to see spirits left behind- those who didn't chose the plan. If only we could have convinced more to accept the plan of Christ.
As I conversed with God I continually missed Him so much. I didn't want to stop, and I knew that my hour and a half was not over, but at one point I felt strongly that I had to say goodbye. I hugged my Heavenly Parents again. It was so emotional for me because I knew that I might not always remember them. I asked them to help me. I expressed appreciation for their Son Jesus Christ, and closed in his name.
As soon as I was done praying, the whole atmosphere around me changed. I felt the veil restored. I opened my envelope and read a letter from my earthly parents. It was touching. I spent a while reflecting on my experiences and reading Daniel chapter 10 in the Old Testament, and then I returned to camp when we were supposed to. I am so grateful for that personal "sacred grove" type experience. I now know exactly how possible it was for Joseph to see God the Father and His Son, and I believe that he did.
I have kept every aspect of the promise I made that day. And now, as I have just come home from my mission, I can feel Him lifting the pain. He is upholding his end of the bargain. What He is not doing is ridding me of the same gender attractions. Perhaps this is why I am so confused.
But I guess the point is, if God is keeping His promise, and I have kept my promise, then isn't that proof enough that the Church is true and I should follow it? It is this promise that makes me stay in the Church.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
What is LDS?
I remember the first time I read the Book of Mormon cover to cover. I was a freshman in high school. I loved the Church, and it was a time in my life when I wanted to feel more spiritual. It was also a time when I felt a need to convert the world and wanted to talk about Mormonism with everyone. That is why I read the Book of Mormon at school for all to see. It was a deliberate declaration of who I was.
The only problem with reading a book like the Book of Mormon in school is that when the book touches you, you can't do anything about it cause you never want to let someone see you cry. Heaven forbid they think me feminine. My solution was to go to the bathroom where I could sob in a stall anonymously and somewhat romantically.
The Book of Mormon really did have that kind of an effect on me. I have always been a sensitive person (ironically it's hard to keep the ladies off you when you're sensitive) and so scenes like Alma 14 (when Alma's Christian converts are burned and Amulek wants to save them) and Mosiah 27 (when Alma has a change of heart and character) made me cry. By the time I had finished the book, I had completely enjoyed it. That wasn't enough, though. I thought about it all day long. It consumed me.
That night I remember distinctly kneeling next to my bed. I remember everything about the room. I prayed, seeking confirmation that the Book of Mormon was indeed true. I felt the biggest spiritual rush I could have imagined. I was overcome with a feeling of excitement and passion. Inside and out I felt the reality of God and of Jesus Christ. I felt forgiven of my sins. I felt vindicated. I felt warm and secure and sure that the Book was true. I let myself experience the euphoria all night. I don't know when I fell asleep. It was enlightenment. It was ecstasy. It was catharsis.
That feeling is what it means to be LDS.
The only problem with reading a book like the Book of Mormon in school is that when the book touches you, you can't do anything about it cause you never want to let someone see you cry. Heaven forbid they think me feminine. My solution was to go to the bathroom where I could sob in a stall anonymously and somewhat romantically.
The Book of Mormon really did have that kind of an effect on me. I have always been a sensitive person (ironically it's hard to keep the ladies off you when you're sensitive) and so scenes like Alma 14 (when Alma's Christian converts are burned and Amulek wants to save them) and Mosiah 27 (when Alma has a change of heart and character) made me cry. By the time I had finished the book, I had completely enjoyed it. That wasn't enough, though. I thought about it all day long. It consumed me.
That night I remember distinctly kneeling next to my bed. I remember everything about the room. I prayed, seeking confirmation that the Book of Mormon was indeed true. I felt the biggest spiritual rush I could have imagined. I was overcome with a feeling of excitement and passion. Inside and out I felt the reality of God and of Jesus Christ. I felt forgiven of my sins. I felt vindicated. I felt warm and secure and sure that the Book was true. I let myself experience the euphoria all night. I don't know when I fell asleep. It was enlightenment. It was ecstasy. It was catharsis.
That feeling is what it means to be LDS.
Question
Here's a question for all of you more experienced LDS-SSA people.
I told my therapist how much I loved this new blog. I explained how much it meant to me to have these comments of support and to discover that there are other people in my age group going through exactly what I'm going through. It has really been helping me (my sanity, happiness levels, self esteem, security, functionability) to know about these people and feel support from them.
Well, my therapist told me about different options - support groups, Evergreen meetings, group therapy, etc- where I can meet these people and really feel like I have friends who actually know what its like- not ones that pretend they understand, but people who know. I think it would be great, but I told him that I wasn't ready because I was afraid. Like any therapist, he asked me what I was afraid of.
I am afraid that I might like someone that I meet. And I am even more afraid that he might like me.
Funny. I have an unquenchable desire to be liked by other guys, and yet I am completely unable and unwilling to allow another guy to like me. Anyway, my question is,
Is this a legitimate fear? What if it happens, what then? What kinds of things have you done to get past this fear? What is proper etiquette in these situations? If you have done any of these things, has it helped you?
I told my therapist how much I loved this new blog. I explained how much it meant to me to have these comments of support and to discover that there are other people in my age group going through exactly what I'm going through. It has really been helping me (my sanity, happiness levels, self esteem, security, functionability) to know about these people and feel support from them.
Well, my therapist told me about different options - support groups, Evergreen meetings, group therapy, etc- where I can meet these people and really feel like I have friends who actually know what its like- not ones that pretend they understand, but people who know. I think it would be great, but I told him that I wasn't ready because I was afraid. Like any therapist, he asked me what I was afraid of.
I am afraid that I might like someone that I meet. And I am even more afraid that he might like me.
Funny. I have an unquenchable desire to be liked by other guys, and yet I am completely unable and unwilling to allow another guy to like me. Anyway, my question is,
Is this a legitimate fear? What if it happens, what then? What kinds of things have you done to get past this fear? What is proper etiquette in these situations? If you have done any of these things, has it helped you?
Monday, September 24, 2007
Goals
I am obsessive and need things to have direction. What is my direction with this thing? Why am I doing this. I think that I am trying to define myself. The problem is that neither sexuality or spirituality can be defined. They're too complex and too unique and too abstract. But because we like things in pretty packages tied up with string, let me group, or categorize, the way people treat homosexuality in the Church. I believe there are three main reactions to the issue, and I frankly have not chosen (or discovered) one for me. So that will be my goal- my direction: To determine how I want to react to my sexuality in light of my spirituality.
Three Reactions:
To demonstrate the three reactions to homosexuality, I'm going to draw on some themes from the recent X-Men movies. In these movies, people all over the world start to experience genetic mutations. I will liken these to mutations to same sex attractions. In the movie, the mutations are not necessarily good or evil, they just are. Some aspects of the mutations are very painful, destructive, gruesome, and dangerous. Other aspects seem to enhance the abilities and perceptions of natural talents. Everyone who experiences them is different and experiences them in different ways. Their reactions are likewise different. This is the same in homosexuality. Some aspects of the attractions are painful, destructive, gross, and dangerous. Other aspects seem to enhance the personality and perceptions of people. Everyone is different.
Xavier reacts positively and yet privately to people's mutations. He creates a safe haven for these people and teaches them to channel their powers. Outside of his school, they wouldn't learn how to appropriately use their powers. He teaches self-mastery, but also self-denial. His reaction is moderate, and yet it is very controversial. He certainly gets hit by both sides of the spectrum. Some wonder if he is justified in some of his techniques which can be manipulative.
Magneto's reaction is much more public. He embraces rebellion against society. To him, the mutations do not need to be controlled. His approach is just to accept and use them. There is no hiding the lure of his cause. It is passionate and result driven.
The humans react both publicly and privately. They react out of fear. They believe that the mutations are evil simply because they are different. Their initial reaction is for those who struggle with the mutations to deny it- suppress it and maybe it will go away (the private approach). Just don't use your powers. When that doesn't work, and the situation escalates (mostly because of Magneto and his people), they resort to a cure (the public approach). This cure offers hope to people like Rouge, who use the cure to become who they want to be: normal. The problem is that the cure is not ethnically sound or proven over time. At the end of the movie, Magneto, who was forcibly cured, still retains some hidden power- relapse, in other words.
These three reactions from the X-Men movies make such perfect metaphors for the social decisions facing Latter-day Saints with S.S.A. you would think it was intentional. All three groups have diversity and disagreements within themselves. All three groups are controversial. There is no black and white, just blue, red, and yellow. As I write about my experiences- many of which I am going to write as if they were memoir fragments- I will be thinking about these three groups and which is the one I need to meet my needs.
1. Control the same sex desires privately. Find fulfillment in meaningful relationships with men, without making those relationships sexual. This means facing an attack on both sides. I'd have to deal with obnoxiously ignorant humans, and obnoxiously sensual rebels. There would never be complete fulfillment with my spirituality- I would never feel completely LDS. There would also never be complete fulfillment with sexuality- I would always be denied my sexual desires.
2. Live a bold, active homosexual life. Rebel against LDS society and be promiscuous with other men. Find happiness and fulfillment in sexual desires and emotional attractions.
Leave my family and friends and all the LDS support groups I have for a set of new people. I would be happy. I would be free. I would be fulfilled sexually. I would still have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and that would haunt me forever.
3. Live a suppressed life, hoping desperately for a cure. This is what I have been doing. I tried pretending that I wasn't gay. When I couldn't do that anymore and had to face reality, I went to counseling (and still am in therapy) via Evergreen International.
This is a life of denial. Unlike in the movies, there is no cure yet. If therapy is considered a cure, then relapses are very very common. I would never be fulfilled in any relationship, but I would feel at peace with my testimony.
We'll see how I shape this over time. Feedback is VERY welcome.
Three Reactions:
To demonstrate the three reactions to homosexuality, I'm going to draw on some themes from the recent X-Men movies. In these movies, people all over the world start to experience genetic mutations. I will liken these to mutations to same sex attractions. In the movie, the mutations are not necessarily good or evil, they just are. Some aspects of the mutations are very painful, destructive, gruesome, and dangerous. Other aspects seem to enhance the abilities and perceptions of natural talents. Everyone who experiences them is different and experiences them in different ways. Their reactions are likewise different. This is the same in homosexuality. Some aspects of the attractions are painful, destructive, gross, and dangerous. Other aspects seem to enhance the personality and perceptions of people. Everyone is different.
Xavier reacts positively and yet privately to people's mutations. He creates a safe haven for these people and teaches them to channel their powers. Outside of his school, they wouldn't learn how to appropriately use their powers. He teaches self-mastery, but also self-denial. His reaction is moderate, and yet it is very controversial. He certainly gets hit by both sides of the spectrum. Some wonder if he is justified in some of his techniques which can be manipulative.
Magneto's reaction is much more public. He embraces rebellion against society. To him, the mutations do not need to be controlled. His approach is just to accept and use them. There is no hiding the lure of his cause. It is passionate and result driven.
The humans react both publicly and privately. They react out of fear. They believe that the mutations are evil simply because they are different. Their initial reaction is for those who struggle with the mutations to deny it- suppress it and maybe it will go away (the private approach). Just don't use your powers. When that doesn't work, and the situation escalates (mostly because of Magneto and his people), they resort to a cure (the public approach). This cure offers hope to people like Rouge, who use the cure to become who they want to be: normal. The problem is that the cure is not ethnically sound or proven over time. At the end of the movie, Magneto, who was forcibly cured, still retains some hidden power- relapse, in other words.
These three reactions from the X-Men movies make such perfect metaphors for the social decisions facing Latter-day Saints with S.S.A. you would think it was intentional. All three groups have diversity and disagreements within themselves. All three groups are controversial. There is no black and white, just blue, red, and yellow. As I write about my experiences- many of which I am going to write as if they were memoir fragments- I will be thinking about these three groups and which is the one I need to meet my needs.
1. Control the same sex desires privately. Find fulfillment in meaningful relationships with men, without making those relationships sexual. This means facing an attack on both sides. I'd have to deal with obnoxiously ignorant humans, and obnoxiously sensual rebels. There would never be complete fulfillment with my spirituality- I would never feel completely LDS. There would also never be complete fulfillment with sexuality- I would always be denied my sexual desires.
2. Live a bold, active homosexual life. Rebel against LDS society and be promiscuous with other men. Find happiness and fulfillment in sexual desires and emotional attractions.
Leave my family and friends and all the LDS support groups I have for a set of new people. I would be happy. I would be free. I would be fulfilled sexually. I would still have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and that would haunt me forever.
3. Live a suppressed life, hoping desperately for a cure. This is what I have been doing. I tried pretending that I wasn't gay. When I couldn't do that anymore and had to face reality, I went to counseling (and still am in therapy) via Evergreen International.
This is a life of denial. Unlike in the movies, there is no cure yet. If therapy is considered a cure, then relapses are very very common. I would never be fulfilled in any relationship, but I would feel at peace with my testimony.
We'll see how I shape this over time. Feedback is VERY welcome.
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