Thursday, September 27, 2007

"I just want you to know who I am"

I need someone to talk to so bad I'm gonna puke. I have lived in solitude for so long and it is so lonely. It is driving me insane, and I mean that literally. I thought about telling my brother, "Thomas" because he is my best friend and I can talk to him about anything and he is so understanding and he thinks the same way I do (except that he is clearly straight). But he is about to leave on a mission, and I worry that it would be too much for him. Besides, I don't want to talk to someone who pretends to know what it's like, I want someone I can talk to who knows what it is like.

And I think I might have found it, and I'm excited and hyperactive and nervous and completely unable to function. It would be so nice to be able to talk to someone who not only knew what it was like to have ssa, but who knew what it was like to grow up where I grew up and to come from my specific culture and who could laugh about it with me.

And you know what. Today I was walking and I saw a hot guy, and I said to myself, "wow he's hot" and then I kept walking. It was awesome. I didn't have to stop and analyze it. I didn't beat myself up with a baseball bat. I didn't hate myself, because for the first time in my life I don't think that I'm a monster. Why? because other people came from where I came from- and they have these feelings too. And if I'm not the only one, then maybe I'm not a hideous freak. Maybe I'm not doomed to a life of silence.


Beck said...

You are not alone! We are legion! There are many of us who have been and are in the same thought-process you are on - and there is a way to keep going and not beating yourself up and not condemning yourself as a monster... you are not alone!

That is the beauty of this community. We may not be exactly on the same path, some of us are long down the road in faithful marriages with family and kids - but we're still fellow brothers who "know what it feels like".

You're not alone, dear brother!

Kengo Biddles said...

Amen to what Beck said. You're not alone, and you're not a freak. You might be a statistical aberration, but then, we are too.

Abelard Enigma said...

maybe I'm not a hideous freak.

I am one who came out to myself late in life. The turning point was finding others like me - gay but desiring to stay faithful in the church. It was an epiphany - I was no longer a freak of nature.

So, I understand exactly where you are coming from.

iwonder said...

Well, if you ever want someone to talk to, per e-mail or even in person, I'm here. I know full well what that feels like.

my e-mail is

Seriously, feel free to contact me at any time about anything.

iwonder said...

I mean

I should really remember to proofread my comments before I post them.

GeckoMan said...


Welcome to our Moho corner of the Bloggosphere.

I went on a mission, went to BYU, was alone for a few years, found someone the Spirit told me to marry, have raised a wonderful family, am still married, and now I'm a empty-nester plus a happy grandfather. . . Whew!! Life can go really fast! Oh, and BTW, I'm still SSA.

So all I really want to say is that you CAN be happy, successful and do whatever you set your mind and heart on doing. Heavenly Father knows us, our winding paths are vital to him, as much as anyone else's. Our unique 'wiring' affords us some special talents, so I hope you will learn to appreciate your individual sensitivites and gifts.

Hidden said...


I tried to find your email but it isn't here anywhere, so this could be done privately. I'm game for doing anything I can to help you have that someone to talk to.

I looked over your questions post and feel that I have pretty good answers for them all.

Drop me a line and we'll go from there:

SSA said...

I guess I need to get an email address that isn't firstname.lastname@ .com

Romulus said...

OH, if we all could know that we aren't alone. We all feel that way much too often, but we in fact are not.

Abelard Enigma said...

I guess I need to get an email address that isn't firstname.lastname@ .com

Many of us use gmail, and could send you an invitation if you so desired.

if we all could know that we aren't alone.

I know in a spiritual sense we are never alone. But, I fear that physical loneliness goes with the territory. We are always going to have feelings of loneliness - we need to learn to deal with it constructively. Don't ask me how, I'm still trying to figure out that myself.

I do have my imaginary friend, but ... I think he's a lesbian :)