Sunday, February 10, 2008

It's More Than You, It Is More Than Me

I came out somewhat unexpectedly to Sister French this past week. I meant to talk a little bit more about it and make it its own post, but right now I want to focus on some significant realization that I have had as a reaction to something that she said. She told me not to be bitter. My instant reaction was, "Too late." I had been feeling very bitter about the Church.

Since then, I have had two thoughts. One. I don't need to be bitter anymore. It certainly isn't helping me in any way, and it certainly isn't hurting the Church in anyway, so now it just seems stupid. So I'm done being bitter.

Two. Why was I bitter in the first place? What did the church do to me? This is when I realized why and at whom I was angry. I was angry at God for not fulfilling a perceived promise the Church made me.

For so long I begged God on my knees to change my sexual orientation. I felt like the Church doctrines made that possible. I read in the Book of Mormon about Christ changing peoples desires. I read about God making weaknesses strengths. I listened to leaders talk about miracles and marriage and the blessings of righteous living. When God didn't change my orientation, I became angry- angry at Him, and angry at His Church which had given me this false understanding of how He would work in my life.

This is what gave me the urge to rebel against the Church and its teachings. It's funny how realizing what made me angry has done to minimize my anger. I am now at the point where I am glad God didn't take it away, and so I don't have to be mad at Him. If I'm not mad at Him, then I don't have to be mad at the Church either. Just because I got the wrong idea about what was going to happen doesn't mean the Church is bad or wrong or hurtful.

So thanks, Sister French. (And Romulus who said some things that also influenced this realization). Thanks for helping me not be bitter. It is so much more fun to be happy!!!

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