Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Seasons of Love

It is six months to the day since I accepted myself. On Wednesday, September 26, 2007, after my last date with a girl, I came home and started reading moho blogs. I remember vividly clicking on a link to Romulus's blog. Within moments I realized that Romulus was someone I had grown up with and respected. That realization changed my life. Discovering Romulus and Remus enabled me to come to terms with my sexuality, stop emotionally self mutilating habits, and become the person that I am proud to be today.

I didn't sleep at all that Wednesday night. I was so caught up in this feeling that I wasn't alone--that others raised in the same circumstances also had these feelings. For a long time I had struggled with shame and self loathing. It was so intense that every time I saw an attractive man I would imagine myself standing above me in black beating me up with a baseball bat. There are a lot of attractive men in the world. That's a lot of beatings. I wanted so bad to rid myself of these attractions, but every day I would wake up and find they were still there and that I hated myself that much more.

That night, six months ago, I decided I wasn't going to try and change my orientation any more. I wasn't going to expect the attractions to disappear. I am so grateful for the realizations and decisions that I made that night. Gone were the mental beat up sessions. Gone was the loneliness. Romulus and Remus, I owe every happiness and comfort I've had in the past half year to you two. I thank God every day for leading me to you.

In the coming months I discovered other friends that were gay, like ATP. I started to meet new friends who were gay. Actually, I was meeting them rather quickly. I exploded out of the closet, telling so many people that I was gay and seeking support from everyone. It was an emotional time, one where I wasn't very stable or secure, but this was such a significant period of time for me.

By January, things had really stabilized. Any decisions that had to be made had really been made. I was reconciling things with my family, and I didn't bounce from emotion to emotion any more. I was done exploding out of the closet. I have gone from being ashamed of myself to accepting myself to being proud of myself. Now I look at all that I am and thank God for all of it. I am so grateful I can love. I am so grateful I don't have to be alone. I am so grateful that I have so much support around me.

I like myself. I enjoy my dramatic, expressive way of communicating. I enjoy the way I dress and shop and do things. I love my art. I love the way I act when I'm with my friends. I almost never have my guard up anymore. I can just be myself, where ever I am. What a wonderful six months this has been. I look forward to the next half year, and the next, and the next, and the next. I plan on having a wonderful life.


Chase said...

Keep going strong. :)

Molly Sue said...

Tremendous!! I think that the hardest thing we must learn in this life is a true love of self, without criticism. Not vanity, but a true acceptance and love of who we are and what God so perfectly created in us. YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!

Clark said...

I remember so well when I finally came out and was AMAZED that my life wasn't such a pendulum hot mess anymore! Its incredible to see an new landscape within your own inner world.. a peaceful sanctuary that you never knew existed. I am so happy for you-- for this season of love that will now be ceaseless because you have chosen Love over fear. You rock. I could just HUG YOU!