Monday, March 10, 2008


My relationship with my parents has been improving drastically in past several weeks for two reasons. One, Romulus and Remus came out their parents and my parents are aware of the struggle their parents are going through. It makes them feel like they are not alone, since they respect the Romulus and Remus family very much. Two. I have backed off 100% and am instead letting them learn about me and homosexuality on their own pace. They are asking questions, and I am answering them. That way they get the information they want to have, without the overwhelming feelings that had been coming when I told them things at the pace I was experiencing them.

Though this has been great for our relationship, especially with my mom, it has come at the cost of me being able to tell them what I'd like to tell them when I'm ready to say it. And so, I have written my mom a letter, which I will not send to her. I just wrote it to write it.
Dear Mom,

I know that you don't want to understand the feelings that I have right now, but it would mean a lot to me if you tried. I have been trying to think of some way to help you know what it must feel like to be me so that you can understand why I do the things I do.

I want you to think back to the time when you were in college, before you married my dad. At some point, I am sure that you liked a guy who didn't like you back. Think about that and how it felt. You wanted to be with this guy. You wanted him to hold you. You wanted to kiss him. But you couldn't. He wasn't interested in you, and so you were crushed, and couldn't do anything. Pretty hard, right? That is a start with how I felt. Now, lets add to it.

Now imagine that this didn't just happen with one guy. Let's pretend that this is every man. You aren't able to be with any of the guys that you like. In fact, you are told that the very fact that you want to be with these guys is evil and unnatural and must change. How might that feel? Let's pretend that you are allowed to be with a woman, and there is a woman who likes you? How would you respond to that woman?

Now I want you to think back to some of the guys that you liked who liked you back. Maybe dad, maybe someone else. Let's pretend that was the first time it ever happened. How would that have felt? After all those guys who didn't like you, you met one who does. Only now, people are still telling you that you can't be with him. They tell you that you have to be alone for your whole life unless you can learn to be with that woman who likes you. How would that feel? You can't be a mother. You can't be a wife. You can't have sex. You can't decorate a home for two, or for a family. You can't get married. You can't even go on a date. You can't do anything that would lead you to find out if other guys like you or not. How would that feel?

More importantly, what would you do? Would you leave and find a place where you could be with that one that likes you, or would you live your life alone? And if you decided to leave and find a place where you could live the way that was natural to you, how would you want your parents to respond? How would you want them to act?

You'll never get this letter, but maybe some day you will think about these emotions and how I must feel. I can't expect you to change or to be anything but true to yourself and to your convictions. I likewise can't expect that of myself. But I do know that you are a compassionate, loving, empathetic mother, and so I know that you don't need to change yourself or your convictions to accept me as a son and treat me like I should be treated. I love you so much,



Romulus said...

I'm so glad that our parents are somewhat together in this :) Even if my parents won't talk about it...

Dave said...

I just wanted to introduce myself and say that I admire your uncle so much(I read one of your comments on another blog). I think he's a great example in many ways to all of us gay Mormons. I grew up right around the block from his new house and my parents still live there. Anyways, it's a small world. My email is if you'd like to talk sometime.