Black and White's Not Always as Simple as it Seems

"Here's the key principle. Society gives benefits to marriage because marriage gives benefits to society. And therefore the burden of proof has to be on the advocates of same-sex marriage to demonstrate that homosexual relationships benefit society. Not just benefit the individuals who participate but benefit society in the same way and to the same degree that heterosexual marriage does. And that's a burden that I don't think they can meet."
(Peter Sprigg, Family Research Council)

I believe that Same Sex Marriage will not only benefit society in the same way and to the same degree as Opposite Sex Marriage, but that Same Sex Marriage will offer something good to society that Opposite Sex Marriage cannot provide. Here are three benefits of gay marriage:

1. Gay couples provide an example for unity, equality, and compromise within marriage because they share tasks differently.
   
   Because it's impossible for two people of the same sex to rely on traditional gender roles within a marriage, gay couples are by nature more creative in how they divide up tasks. Their circumstances are likely to create a relationship in which both parters are equal. Society will benefit by learning how to foster equality within marriage.


2. Marriage makes people more productive. The more people are married, the more productive society becomes.
   
   Marriage is good for individuals, and what is good for individuals is good for society. If people are happier, more successful, and more stable in their personal lives, it will improve the quality of life for everyone in the community. Besides, married partners care for each other. If a gay person cannot care for himself, and his partner isn't allowed to care for him, then society is responsible for him. Equipping gay people with the ability to care for each other alleviates society of a burden it would otherwise have to shoulder.
   


3. Gay couples provide healthy, nurturing homes for orphaned, abandoned, or abused children.
   
   There are so many children who are born into or thrust into circumstances where they don't have a family to care for them. Heterosexuals cannot meet all of their needs. Foster care is an overburdened system. We need more families that can adopt children, and sanctioning gay marriage will do just that.
   

So I will gladly welcome the burden of proof for how gay marriage will benefit society, because I know that it will.

I Used to Think How I Had Them All so Figured Out

I am now home after 5 weeks in the Caribbean on a BYU study abroad. The trip was amazing in so many ways, and it has really shaped the way I look at life, spirituality, art, and most surprisingly, BYU. I came away from this trip with a changed opinion on the people of BYU.

I met the group of 18 students in a pre-trip class this past winter semester, and I treated them like I would any group of BYU students in any setting--with indifference. I didn't learn their names. I didn't talk to them. I didn't pay attention to them. I had learned through a few limited experiences that straight BYU students cannot be trusted with friendship or knowledge about me. Really, my circle of friends at BYU includes lots of gay guys, two straight girls (Moana, Kythe), and a few art friends that I am close to in the art studio but that I don't see outside of the studio. I just don't trust straight BYU students.

But on this study abroad, I was forced to become close to this group of students. It started with Kristina. I sat next to her during both long flights. She was a beautiful girl (and I could see that she was endowed), but as soon as she said she was from California, my mind said "Prop 8" and I shut down to her. It was awkward. She flipped through the sky mall magazine, trying to start conversation. "Oh that's horrible! That's every man's fantasy," she said, pointing to a lamp that was in the form of a woman, but had a lampshade instead of a head. "Not every man's fantasy," I said.

Over the next few days she drove me crazy, not because she was annoying, but because she was in every way the girl that I would have married if I had come home from my mission and not come to terms with my sexuality. So I stayed closed, despite her friendly attempts to reach out to me.

It was the same with several of the others. I stayed fairly aloof from the group. But then Taylor and Eliza broke my shell. They started to come over to my room to talk with me, and to hang out with me during group activities. I let them in because I knew I could trust them. Eliza had written a paper about the BYU gay community, and in high school she had been the president of their gay-straight alliance. The two of them were starting to get close to me, but they were also getting close to several of the other girls (and the one other guy). So slowly I started to spend more time with people in this group.

Spending more time with these girls meant spending time with Kristina, because she was close to them. I learned she was a feminist, and few other things that led me to trust her. Finally, I opened up to her, and she opened up to me. She explained how she had been married and divorced from a man who had not treated her right (and who was presumably gay). He had married her not out of love or sexual desire for her, but because marriage was what he was supposed to do and she made a good wife to show off to others. It was a sad story, but it had made her very open to and supportive of my sexuality.

By the end of the second week, every single student, and both professors, knew that I was gay, knew that I was leaving the Church, and knew that I would one day marry a man. And you know what? It didn't matter. It was something that we could talk about, if we wanted to. One of the professors talked to me about his two gay brothers, one who had taken his life a long time ago and one who was a bitter angry ex-Mormon who taught at UCLA. One of the girls told me about her Polynesian culture and how accepting they were of gays (She said every mother hopes for one gay son because she knows that he will take care of her in her old age). We talked about it a lot. But it was also ok to not talk about it. It wasn't something we had to address.

In the end, these people became my friends. Real friends. And I can't express how wonderful it is to have straight friends. It makes me feel so rounded, so balanced. And they are all caring and supportive and trustworthy. I didn't know BYU had such people. So for my last semester here, I'm going to be friendly to the people who sit next to me in class. There might be some douches there, but BYU does have students that I can be lifelong friends with. And for my last semester, I'm going to have dinner parties with straight couples (more than just CJ and Kythe). I'm going to party with my straight study abroad friends. I'm going to feel like I have a place here.

Hips Don't Lie

I'm posting this from Port of Spain, Trinidad. I've spent the past 2 weeks in Gros Islet, St. Lucia. I'm doing a summer term study abroad with BYU humanities and visual arts.

Because I'm one of two guys on the trip out of 16 students, homosexuality has been a topic of conversation frequently. My professors and the other students are pretty supportive of me, some are really supportive. But despite all that, I hadn't seen any evidence on the island itself that homosexuality existed. This is a very macho culture, and I just haven't seen any trace of anything gay-- until last night, my last night in St. Lucia.

Friday nights in Gros Islet are street party nights. A bunch of us went down and partied like there's no tomorrow. Most people went home around 11, but one of my allies and I were still out dancing when we saw three proud queers on the dance floor. They were local people, black people with skinny jeans that showed off big booties. One wore lip gloss. He was tall and had his braided hair pulled back in a pony tail. Another had glitzy earrings and a bleached mohawk. The third had fabulous boots and his t-shirt tied in a knot to show off his abs. And man, those sisters knew how to dance!

I regret not talking to them- but I didn't know what to say. So I just smiled at them and watched them dance approvingly. I know the Caribbean is a really homophobic place, but they seemed safe enough. Several local women were laughing with them and shaking booty together.

I'll be on the lookout in Trinidad, cause I am interested in where the gay community hides here. It is lonely to be in a place where your people don't seem to exist. Where straight culture is so dominant and pervasive. I mean the men here catcall every woman they pass, without exception. Let's see if I find more of my people in Trinidad.  

I Know You're Out There, Somewhere Out There

Where are all the lesbians?

This past Pride Weekend was a big one in Chicago, where I grew up. Several of my old friends from high school spent the weekend celebrating, allowing me to discover that a lot of people I knew in high school are gay. I had no idea how many of them were in the closet just like me. It's kind of fun, because a lot of them are really surprising.

One of my favorites was our Prom Queen my senior year. She's this amazing Jew with dreadlocks, and she and I have chatted a few times since we came out to each other. Lot's of the gays that I know from high school are lesbians. The first person I came out to is a lesbian friend from high school (she wasn't in the closet). A girl I dated has come out to me as a lesbian. I am thinking of seven or eight lesbians right now that I knew in high school. I can only name three or four gay men (excluding Romulus and Remus).

When I look at my gay friends at BYU, however, the story is quite the opposite. I can name fifty gay men at BYU without even thinking. I'm sure I could list more if I enlisted the help of facebook. But I don't know a single lesbian at BYU. Not a single one.

So what's the deal? Where have all the lesbians gone? Do Mormons only breed gay men? Is it only socially possible for gay men to come out of the closet in Mormon culture? Is it harder for women? Why? Where are you lesbian friends?! I need more women in my life!

Are We Human, Or Are We Dancer?

I have a lot of Mormon friends. It's where I come from. It's where I've spent the past several years. It's who I'm related to. There's just no way around it--I have a lot of Mormon friends.

I met a lot of my Mormon friends as a missionary. I was really close to a lot of other missionaries. Like Elder C. He was a new missionary who lived in my last apartment. We got along great. We were friends. He didn't get back from his mission until a few months ago. When he got back, I added him on facebook. He didn't accept my invitation. Today I went on his profile to decide whether I should try again. I noticed that he is a "fan" of "Protect Marriage: One man, One woman." I decided not to add him again.

It's not that I don't think we can't be friends anymore because he opposes my future marriage. In fact, I'd say it's more that I assume he doesn't want to be friends because he opposes my future marriage. And the problem is going to get bigger. I have a lot of Mormon friends who oppose my future marriage. These friendships are clearly strained. I don't hide my political beliefs by any stretch of the imagination. But friends can disagree about politics and still be friends.

What happens when I announce an engagement or when I get married? What happens to these friends? Some of them may take the initiative and terminate our friendship. That will hurt. But what about those that don't? Can I be friends with someone who opposes my marriage? If I were a straight, active Mormon who married in the temple, would I be able to be friends with people who opposed temple weddings and thought they were of the devil? Is this the same? Unlike that scenario, the friends I have who oppose gay marriage actually have the power to outlaw my marriage in states like California.

So is it fair for me to delete (facebook makes it all sound so clinical) friends who are against my way of life? That would be hard for me. But can I justify being friends and maintaining acquaintanceship with people who want to deny me what will make me happy? I don't know, but I think it is sad that I have to ask these questions. I wonder what things would be like if I had gone to the Art Institute of Boston and made friends with people who support me. What if my newsfeed reported on people who were like me instead of people who hate people like me?

It's Only Beginning to Find Release

I'm tired of listening to Mormons talk about the divine "One Man, One Woman" only definition of marriage. I might punch the next person I hear spouting this hypocrisy. Wasn't that one of the roles of Jesus? "[F]eeding the hungry, healing the sick, rebuking hypocrisy, pleading for faith — this was Christ showing us the way of the Father," said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. That's right. Rebuking hypocrisy was not only one of the roles of Jesus, it is the way of God.

Well, I'm gonna play God here and rebuke some hypocrisy.

Do any of these arguments sound familiar? (Maybe you read them here, here, or here) Have you ever heard a Mormon say something like . . .

• Same Sex Marriage is wrong because marriage has always been between one man and one woman.
• Same Sex Marriage will bring upon our society all the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.
• Homosexuality was part of the fall of the Roman Empire. This social experiment to redefine marriage will be the end of America.
• Homosexuality denigrates the family. Same Sex Marriage is an affront to morality and traditional values.
• Homosexuality leads to the spread of diseases like AIDS. It spreads all sorts of filth like pornography, prostitution, fornication, and promiscuity.
• Same Sex Marriage is a recent union created to justify immoral men's desires.
• Homosexuals who flaunt their lifestyle ought to be ashamed of their weakness.
  

Well, those arguments should sound familiar, because the Mormons have used them before--when fighting the evils of monogamy. (You know, one man and one woman). The exact same arguments used to defend the only acceptable definition of marriage as one man and one woman were once used by Latter-day Saint Prophets to fight that very definition.

• "It is a fact worthy of note that the shortest lived nations of which we have record have been monogamic. Rome...was a monogamic nation and the numerous evils attending that system early laid the foundation for that ruin which eventually overtook her."
  Apostle George Q. Cannon, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 13, p. 202
• "Since the founding of the Roman empire monogamy has prevailed more extensively than in times previous to that. The founders of that ancient empire were robbers and women stealers, and made laws favoring monogamy in consequence of the scarcity of women among them, and hence this monogamic system which now prevails throughout Christendom, and which had been so fruitful a source of prostitution and whoredom throughout all the Christian monogamic cities of the Old and New World, until rottenness and decay are at the root of their institutions both national and religious."
  The Prophet Brigham Young Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11, p. 128
• "...the one-wife system not only degenerates the human family, both physically and intellectually, but it is entirely incompatible with philosophical notions of immortality; it is a lure to temptation, and has always proved a curse to a people."
  Prophet John Taylor, Millennial Star, Vol. 15, p. 227
• "Monogamy, or restrictions by law to one wife, is no part of the economy of heaven among men. Such a system was commenced by the founders of the Roman empire....Rome became the mistress of the world, and introduced this order of monogamy wherever her sway was acknowledged. Thus this monogamic order of marriage, so esteemed by modern Christians as a holy sacrament and divine institution, is nothing but a system established by a set of robbers.... Why do we believe in and practice polygamy? Because the Lord introduced it to his servants in a revelation given to Joseph Smith, and the Lord's servants have always practiced it. 'And is that religion popular in heaven?' it is the only popular religion there,..."
  The Prophet Brigham Young, The Deseret News, August 6, 1862
• "This law of monogamy, or the monogamic system, laid the foundation for prostitution and the evils and diseases of the most revolting nature and character under which modern Christendom groans,..."
  Apostle Orson Pratt, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 13, page 195
• "We breathe the free air, we have the best looking men and handsomest women, and if they [Non-Mormons] envy us our position, well they may, for they are a poor, narrow-minded, pinch-backed race of men, who chain themselves down to the law of monogamy, and live all their days under the dominion of one wife. They ought to be ashamed of such conduct, and the still fouler channel which flows from their practices; and it is not to be wondered at that they should envy those who so much better understand the social relations."
  Apostle George A Smith, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 3, page 291
• "I have noticed that a man who has but one wife, and is inclined to that doctrine, soon begins to wither and dry up, while a man who goes into plurality [of wives] looks fresh, young, and sprightly. Why is this? Because God loves that man, and because he honors his word. Some of you may not believe this, but I not only believe it but I also know it. For a man of God to be confined to one woman is small business. I do not know what we would do if we had only one wife apiece."
  Apostle Heber C. Kimball, Journal of Discourses Vol 5, page 22
• "Just ask yourselves, historians, when was monogamy introduced on to the face of the earth? When those buccaneers, who settled on the peninsula where Rome now stands, could not steal women enough to have two or three apiece, they passed a law that a man should have but one woman. And this started monogamy and the downfall of the plurality system. In the days of Jesus, Rome, having dominion over Jerusalem, they carried out the doctrine more or less. This was the rise, start and foundation of the doctrine of monogamy; and never till then was there a law passed, that we have any knowledge of, that a man should have but one wife. "
  The Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses Vol. 12, page 262

To my knowledge, changing the definition of marriage from one man and several woman to one man and one woman did not bring the downfall of Utah, or of the United States. It did not destroy the family as an institution. Changing it again to be inclusive of all families is not going to hurt Latter-day Saints any more than monogamy did. Allowing other Americans to live the lifestyle of their choice and have their families protected by the government will not hurt society! And if the Mormons want to jump on the bandwagon and join in, great! It might take a generation, and it might cause a splinter group, but I'm sure we can bury all the homophobic publications under the rug and start over with a new revelation broadening marriage once again.

Sorry for the rant. I realize I'm not the first to make these connections and accusations. I just wanted to be in on the rebuking fun. Don't blame me, I learned it from Jesus.

And There Were Flashes of Light

It seems lightning has struck the Mormon's newest Temple this past week. We were warned by NOM that a storm was gathering.

The Oquirrh Mountain Temple, which is to be dedicated in August, was struck by lightning, leaving a black stain on the face, arm, and trumpet of Angel Moroni. It's nothing a little soap, water, and maybe some re-gilding can't fix. It does make one wonder, though, how happy God is with the Mormons. There's a message in here somewhere. Judging from the black stain, it might have been a more timely message any time before 1979. Although, there is another issue plaguing the Church now with an awful lot of similarities to the pre-1979 ban on black priesthood and Temple rites, including marriages.