Saturday, December 15, 2007

as he goes left . . .

I came out to another friend last night. This time to the girl I thought I would marry. She is a girl from my stake back home. We have an interesting relationship. We would go on dates a lot and really enjoy ourselves talking and getting to know each other. Usually, though, these dates would be during a time when she had a boyfriend (and he wasn't me). Somehow everyone knew that this was ok. It fulfilled both our needs. I could be dating a girl and thus feel like I was making progress in my ultimate quest for straighthood, and yet I didn't have to kiss her or hold her hand. I could tell the other guys that there was a girl I liked, but it was obvious why I wasn't dating her. And I could have the female companionship that I enjoy and that is so much easier than male companionship. She, on the other hand, could have a fashionable guy take her out and treat her like a princess. She got to have intellectual conversations about things she cared about. She got to be with a guy who would notice her designer pants or the product in her hair or the way that a color flattered her complexion. And when she needed some loving, well that's what the boyfriend is for. (I hope I got that down right and am not putting words in her mouth or offending her). It was a great relationship we had going on!

Well, on my mission I decided that I would marry her. It would have been the perfect continuation of everything I had. She's from the unique cultural climate that I'm from. Her parents love me. We could host parties together and go shopping together and talk about intellectual stuff together as we perpetually sip speckled lemonades. She would be the perfect mom and I'd be the perfect dad. I'd buy her all the clothes she wanted, and she'd look great at all the events I would take her to. It was the social Mormon bliss I wanted, and I knew I could make it happen. But then she went and got married before I got home. Rats!

Anyway, the point of this post is that I told her all of that. I told her that I was gay and that I was grateful that all of that hadn't come to pass as I had once hoped. And you know what? She took it wonderfully! Yet another on my team. She was really sad to think that things might eventually affect my standing in the Church, but she was really supportive of me being honest with myself and others. She even gave me a book (Goodbye, I love you) that she had recently read that had shifted her compassion towards gay Latter-day Saints. Now she plans on doing some more reading and some more research so that she can understand what we go through better. She was even kinda excited that we could still have lunch and go shopping and the like and have it be ok!

Overall it was a confirmation to me that your real friends are still going to be your real friends no matter what.


playasinmar said...

A new player for your team? that's good news!

Anonymous said...

as he goes left and she stays right... i love that song. I am proud of you that you are finally letting it all out! I am here for you no matter what!