Thursday, December 6, 2007

Looking Out the Window

For the longest time I was outside looking in the window on the "ideal" family I was barred from. It was a miserable existence I lead, always obsessed with the one thing I couldn't have. I didn't notice that there were all these wonderful things here in the outside. Like, taking the Peter Pan analogy farther, being able to fly around London.

Now that I've been able to let go of the window, I have really been able to enjoy life and find myself. In the month of November, for example, I had 3 or 4 bad days. ! Tell me that doesn't indicate something changing for the better. I have learned so much about myself- so much about what I like and believe and am. I have discovered a person that I can love and cherish and be with. It's wonderful.

But the window is still there. I'm not perched on the window sill looking in anymore, now it is my parents that are at the window looking out. They don't understand this world that I am flying around in. They only know the comforts and joys of their house- wonderful comforts and joys to be sure. I feel like in my new found joys they are left behind. My mom has asked me only to talk to her about the things we can agree on- which means not being able to tell her about my relationship and all the joy that I now have in day to day life. My dad, though more open to talking about it, likewise shuts down any notion of a same gender relationship being a possibility. I feel more distant from them than ever before- almost like our relationship is forced into becoming superficial and confined.

Things are getting better. Our limited subject conversations are cheerful and friendly. We are at least still talking- and we enjoy talking. I just wish they would stop pitying me and start trying to actually understand me.

I wonder if the window will always be there, or if some day we can get away from that barrier that separates us. What can I do to break down the window?


Abelard Enigma said...

What can I do to break down the window?

Have patience. You've been dealing with this your whole life - they've only had a relatively short time to deal with it. I know that sounds trite; but, it's true. Old stereotypes die hard. They need to go at their own pace - don't push them. Bringing a boyfriend home for Christmas probably isn't a good idea :)

btw, I love the window analogy.

Calvin said...

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Is rejection of a child to some degree the natural reaction of some parents whenever their children fall short of expectations? Is it sometimes easier to ‘close the window’ on an issue than deal with it?

ELDER OAKS: ...We should remember that none of us is perfect and none of us has children whose behavior is entirely in accord with exactly what we would have them do in all circumstances.

We feel great compassion for parents whose love and protective instincts for their challenged children have moved them to some positions that are adversary to the Church. I hope the Lord will be merciful to parents whose love for their children has caused them to get into such traps.

(Hey look, more window analogy!)

Although I haven't personally dealt with such a situation, I'm sure your parents do feel like they're in this kind of trap. Perhaps they can improve in some ways in showing their love for you as their son.

However, I don't think it's fair to expect them to change their beliefs about the rightness of your actions. If you want them to respect your beliefs, you have to respect theirs, even if their belief is that you're not doing the right thing. I think, or hope, it's possible to have a loving relationship in such a situation.

playasinmar said...

The type of window you're talking about doesn't get broken. It just fades with time.