Thursday, November 8, 2007

What Happened in November is What I Needed

In his post, "What Happened," Therapevo Ydata said:
I do not know if anyone else has noticed the change in the MoHo world. This place used to be special to help those who are dealing with SSA and trying to find others who understand them. . . Quite frankly, it now seems to be the path from MoHo to MoHo whore to Homo. This is no good. . . It has also become really relaxed about every issue with the church and nobody is concerned with this!

Playasinmar indicated that I was one of the people that possibly demonstrates this trend. Whether or not Therapevo Ydata was referring to me when he wrote his post is irrelevant. The point is, he's right. I have noticed a drastic change in the "Moho" world, and I have been one of the ones who has changed the most.

So what is this transformation? (I don't think I became a mowhore, I'm not even going to address that.) I think the best way to show the transformation is to quote myself.

September 24: "I am an active Latter-day Saint who struggles with Same Sex Attractions (S.S.A.). There I said it. . . I live in hell.
September 26: "every time I see a good looking guy I distract myself by imagining myself standing over me and smashing my head with a baseball bat."
September 26: "I told my therapist how much I loved this new blog. I explained how much it meant to me to have these comments of support and to discover that there are other people in my age group going through exactly what I'm going through."
September 26: "I just got back from yet another date with a girl I'm not attracted to. Why do I subject myself to this? . . . You know, I have always clung to this hope that I would be cured- these horrible feelings ripped from me. I have now accepted that they will be with me for the rest of my life. I'm ok with that now."
September 27: "Today I was walking and I saw a hot guy, and I said to myself, "wow he's hot" and then I kept walking. It was awesome. I didn't have to stop and analyze it. I didn't beat myself up with a baseball bat. I didn't hate myself, because for the first time in my life I don't think that I'm a monster."
September 29: "if God is keeping His promise, and I have kept my promise, then isn't that proof enough that the Church is true and I should follow it? It is this promise that makes me stay in the Church."
September 30: "Church was, as usual lately, ridiculously unspiritual, cold, callous, demeaning, and unpleasant."
October 5: "I'm beginning to wonder if there is such thing as goodness and happiness, or if they are just vain hopes that we dream up to make up to get us to our graves."
October 13: "With every passing day I get more and more comfortable being me."
October 14: "Sometimes I am afraid that being a moho is just a transition from mo to ho. I have started to wonder why I am staying in the repressed Mormon lifestyle."
October 14: "I still receive revelation. I always thought that if I accepted the fact that I am attracted to men I wouldn't receive revelation. I also thought that if I ever questioned the Church, I wouldn't receive revelation. Well, today in church, I received revelation."
October 17: "It is so hard to be alone. I just want a companion, someone to be with. And I just want some affection."
October 21: "I got home last night at 3 AM and I was feeling really happy. And I was wondering why I didn't feel that happy in Church. . . Suddenly I realized that it was good that I felt good. And then I realized that Church should make me feel good. . . I went to Church and it was awesome. I haven't enjoyed Church like that in a very long time."
October 31: "I have let go of the expectation and the demand for change. I have given up the desire to have God remove my pain from me and am now submitting to what He apparently wants me to live through. That's the result of my journey so far."
November 3: "I have never felt this alive- this complete- this whole."
November 5: "After deliberating and dabbling in new things, I think I have found my path."
November 7: "I feel really empowered right now. Since I have accepted the fact that I have same gender attractions, realized that I am not a bad person for them, and experienced new emotions, I have been so happy. I have felt so comfortable. I have been so alive."

So in less than two months, I went from living in hell to being happy, comfortable, and alive. That's a big transformation. I don't think that I was "relaxed" or indifferent to Church issues at all. I think that both Church and spirituality played a big role in my transformation. I think I agonized over them. Maybe I've become a "Homo," but if being a "Homo" makes me feel like this and being a "Moho" makes me feel like I live in hell, then I want to be a "Homo."

(The first time my dad "caught" me he looked at me with more disgust than I have ever seen and said, "Are you a homo?" I will never forget the hatred and the fear and the anger in his voice as he said that. I said no, by the way.)


Therapevo Ydata said...

So I have decided to start reading others blogs after I have been attacked by some emails and other blogs. I was not referring to you at all. To be honest, I actually haven't read your blog in a long time. I have only read a few of my friends blogs lately because midterms, work, and school in general is killing me. So Playa referred to me talking about you when I reality I did not have the faintest idea about anything you are and are not doing. Read my latest post. It will explain some things...

forever barred said...

I actually figured that your post had nothing to do with me. I can understand, however, how playa would point to my blog as a good example of the trend you have picked up on. You may not have known that I fit the trend you see, but I know.

Kengo Biddles said...

Isn't it great to look back at history and see the change in yourself? I'm glad you've made this happy and healthy progress!

draco said...

As I was reading this post, Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today was the first song that popped into my head.

Romulus said...

I'm happy for you.

iwonder said...

Oh, I know exactly how you feel.

I have experienced a similar change, just over a longer period of time.

The thing that is most important to me is that I am (more or less) happy , whereas before I was not. Even when I was doing everything "right" I was depressed, miserable, and yes, suicidal. So now that I am not, and have distanced myself from that, and am happy, I have decided that is a good thing and to continue with that path.

Anyway, good luck, and I hope to talk to you again soon.

J G-W said...

This is a beautiful post. It is beautiful and hopeful to see you describe this process.