I Think I Would Understand

Last night I received an email from someone I don't know attacking me for the Salt Lake Tribune article published a few weeks ago. My initial response was defensive. I was going to write her back telling her that people like her are the reason people like me kill themselves. I was going to tell her that she was uneducated, uninformed, and extreme in her views. I was going to blast her for her hateful rhetoric and for her hypocrisy in attacking me. I was going to address each point she made and refute each one. Fortunately I waited till I calmed down the next morning to respond. Here's what she wrote:

Dan and Michael,

While doing research on Same Sex Marriage and Same Gender attraction, I found an article about your art project in the Tribune. I feel great disappointment that you would take part in any activity that would bring shame on BYU, an institution which you joined knowing its moral stance on same-sex attraction, and which you exploited to promote ideals contrary to truth, while using tithing funds to subsidize your education.

I just wanted to voice my strongly felt opinion that if you "don't feel comfortable at BYU", you don't need to be here. No one forced you to come to this church university, using church sanctioned funds, to use BYU as a venue to spread propoganda about gay rights.

It makes me so angry when people complain about BYU when hundreds and thousands of people are turned away every year, while ungrateful students like yourself stay here, absorb funding, and use your time and resources to fight against principles and doctrines which you knew and agreed to as part of your religion when you entered this institution.

How dare you try to fight this battle on this sacred ground. You can struggle with your gay tendancies all your life, but you will never find moral validation for that which is wrong. Shame on you for putting BYU in a negative light for not celebrating and highlighting your sexual struggles. Homosexuality is a fight of God against Satan.

As I engage my life and resources to fight with other faithful Mormons against such propoganda, I hope you find another venue to validate your misled ideas.

In the end, I realized that a defensive response would get me nowhere. It would only confirm my evilness to her. It would have perpetuated her belief that gays are contentious, argumentative, and Godless. She wouldn't have recognized the logic had I refuted each of her mistaken claims. The only thing I could do was to frankly forgive her (not in a patronizing way), and then in what I hope was a friendly manner share with her a little bit about homosexuality as I have experienced it. Here's what I wrote:

Dear ******,

Thank you for writing me and sharing your personal and strong feelings with me. Obviously I also have personal and strong feelings rooted in my experiences growing up both gay and Mormon. I value the opportunities I have to talk about this emotional topic.

I'm so happy that you are doing research on a topic that is so misunderstood in the LDS culture. If everyone researched the things that affect their brothers and sisters in such personal ways, I wonder how much better off we would be as people. I wonder how we would treat each other. Knowledge is power! I hope you won't be offended if I give you some pointers on how to best understand homosexuality as I hope you continue to seek to understand it.

If someone was to research Mormonism, you wouldn't direct them to anti-Mormon literature. Likewise, you wouldn't have them base their research solely on the observations of friendly Non-Mormons. You would probably invite them to talk to actual Mormons and read material produced by the Church. My advice is the same. I invite you to learn about same sex attraction from those who experience same sex attractions. I would be more than happy to talk with you about it, if you'd like.

I would also recommend talking to Fred and Marilyn Matis. They are a sweet, friendly couple and are very active in the Church. Their son, Stuart, was gay and shot himself on the steps of his stake center. After their son's suicide, Fred and Marilyn have opened their home to other gay Mormons to extend the love and support they wish their son had felt. They have associated themselves with literally hundreds of homosexuals through monthly family home evenings held for gay Latter-day Saints and the friends and family of gay Latter-day Saints. You are more than welcome to attend and see gay Mormons pray, sing, and talk. The information is here: http://northstarlds.org/matisfiresides.php They are always warm, spiritual experiences. There is so much love there. If you go on April 6, you will get to hear Sister Olson speak. She is amazing. She was my New Testament teacher here at BYU.

One last word of advice. Please don't believe everything you read on the internet or even in books and newspapers. The tribune article that upset you did not reveal very much to you about who I am, what I do, or even what I believe. It is more of a reflection of the author than of me. He interviewed me, but the interview was long and he chose what to include in this article and what to leave out. Let me assure you that I in no way was attacking the Church or any of its members, nor did I intend to paint BYU in an exclusively negative light. Despite how I was quoted in the Tribune, I enjoy my time here. My friends are here, and I am supported by great faculty in the art department who love me and are helping me succeed in life. In the interview, I simply wanted to share my experiences and thereby reveal changes that could be made in policy that would save a lot of people from a lot of pain. I don't believe that BYU maliciously hurt me, but the attitudes of so many BYU students have hurt me. Only by sharing true information (in this case my experiences) can we all grow closer to the Savior and treat each other with more charity.

I also want to make it clear that included in the tithes that supplement a BYU education are my tithes, the tithes of my parents and grandparents, the tithes of hundred of my friends who want me to be here, and even the tithes of the people I baptized on my mission. If you are upset about how your own personal tithes are being used, I know how you feel. I felt hurt that my tithes were used on proposition 8 propaganda. Though I know how you feel, let's be honest, we both have given our money to the Church for them to spend as they see fit, and they saw fit to accept me at BYU. Please make the same assumptions about me that you would make about any student at BYU, and that is that I have the same yearly interviews for endorsement that they have. This means that BYU still wants me to be one of its students even given what was published in the Salt Lake Tribune. (Obviously me being gay isn't a secret). This also means that I make tremendous sacrifices to be here.

You seem sincerely interested in discussing truth (as opposed to propaganda), so let's talk truth. Let's talk about what I have experienced and therefore what I know to be true.

I came to BYU because I believed BYU could make me straight. I have never been attracted to women in my life. I have always been attracted to guys. I always knew I was different from my peers, and I knew how I was different as early as 11. I didn't want to be gay, though. I hated it! I was ashamed of it, as if I was a monster. I would literally beat myself up mentally over it. I read on the internet that BYU had therapy that would make it go away, and I wanted that. Church leaders, including Bishops and a Stake President also promised that my attractions for men could be replaced with attractions for women. This promise that the Church made me was recounted on my mission by Elder Oaks in a 2006 general conference. He admitted that same sex attractions would likely never go away in this life. This was after I had already been at BYU for a year.

That year had been destructive for me. After a year of therapy I was very depressed. One night I almost jumped off a bridge. I am so grateful that I didn't kill myself. I believe the hand of God stopped me.

On my mission, I learned that I was a good person and I learned how to love myself. This made coming home from my mission after 2 years very hard. It was a rough transition, but through a lot of serious prayer and meditation, the Lord revealed his consistent love for me and I realized that I shouldn't demand that He change my sexual orientation. I realized that it was ok that I was attracted to the same gender- it didn't make me a monster. It simply was. A month later a gay BYU student and acquaintance of mine curled up next to his tail pipe with the garage door closed and took his own life. This was when I knew something had to change. Something has to change so that gay youth don't kill themselves. I don't know what that change is, but I do know what I can do to promote that change. I can share my story. I can tell people that God loves them and that I love them. I can share true information, because only true information can help informed people know what they should do.

If I am fighting for anything, (I don't personally consider that article a fight), I am fighting for those people who are abused and feel worthless. I am fighting for them and for me for equal treatment. I believe that the we all should be treated equally. I'm not opposed to the principle of Chasity, I just want it applied equally. I'm not opposed to BYU, I just want it to promote love and information for all of it's students rather than fear, backbiting, contention, and ignorance. It is my hope that we can all peacefully engage in meaningful dialog instead of persecuting each other. In that sense, I really don't think you and I are that different from each other.

Thanks again for writing me, and I hope that you have a great day!
Sincerely,
Daniel

the things you were taught to run from

A few days ago I quoted Joseph F. Smith.

"It has always been a cardinal teaching with the Latter-day Saints, that a religion which has not the power to save the people temporally and make them prosperous and happy here cannot be depended upon to save them spiritually, and exalt them in the life to come"(quoted in L. Arrington, Great Basin Kingdom, 1958, p. 425, n. 16).

I'd like to expound on how I feel about this principle.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has failed to make its gay members prosperous and happy and therefore cannot be depended upon to save them spiritually or to exalt them in the life to come. I realize that as a gut response to that cringe-causing thesis, many of you are going to tell me how happy you are as a gay Mormon. Please do. It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that as a whole I see a lack of prosperity and happiness amongst homosexuals in the Church.

What is prosperity and happiness? Prosperity is physical success, growth, and health. Happiness includes a feeling of satisfaction about ones situation.

I'm not here to argue about the financial welfare of gay Mormons because I don't think that is really important. When I talk about prospering in the Church, I'm talking about growth and health. It is true that gay Latter-day Saints grow a great deal from their afflictions. There are limits to their growth, however. A gay Latter-day Saint who is active in the Church cannot grow in sexual or romantic love, for example. If he heeds current advice and is celibate, he cannot grow in the priesthood as a Bishop or general authority (despite the enormous sacrifices he makes and the qualifications those sacrifices give him spiritually). Quite honestly he cannot even grow in an exalted state until (or unless) he is awarded with a spouse at the resurrection.

As an offshoot of the "growth" category, I am going to include family life in the concept of prosperity. I think most Latter-day Saints would agree that having a family is part of prospering. Mormons who aren't attracted to the opposite gender, though, and who can't function well in a mixed orientation setting, cannot have families. They cannot marry someone they love and raise children with him.

Then there is health. Gay Mormons don't have a good history when it comes to mental health. Granted, not all are nut cases, but the vast majority have needed some sort of professional help to deal with feelings of self-loathing, failure, compulsive behavior, shame, rejection, loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc. Though the Church is not obligated to fix all of these problems, I feel it did indirectly cause them and is therefore responsible for them. The Church fosters an environment where being gay is bad and therefore youth who are gay feel bad. They are so afraid of being gay they give themselves complexes. I certainly don't think the Church is the only thing to do this-- American society has helped a lot, but the Church, being inspired of God, should have programs and policies that uplift youth and build their self-worth.

This leads us to happiness. The most satisfied gay people that I know are the ones that have left or plan to leave the Church. It's hard to be satisfied in a situation where you must be romantically alone for the rest of your mortal life, never learning what it is like to fall in love. It's hard to be satisfied when you are constantly being reminded about how you can't act out your natural desires but aren't being given anything that helps you to change your desires. It's hard to be satisfied when you feel isolated and out of place at Church. It's hard to be satisfied attending a church that puts so much emphasis on family living- a living that you can't have until after you die. That doesn't sound like a religion making one "happy here" on Earth.

There are so many wonderful blessings that the Church bestows upon its members. So many of those blessings, however, are withheld from its gay members. I just don't believe that it allows them to prosper or be happy. I encourage all straight people who can benefit from Mormonism to take advantage of the amazing things it has to offer. But if you are gay, please know that it is not your fault that you aren't getting those amazing things. You were not designed for Mormonism.

Well, those are the controversial feelings I have been having as of late. Let the hate mail flow.

and I won't tell them your name.

I hate the term "Same Sex Attractions." "Same Gender Attractions" is even worse. Gayness is soooooo much more than attractions. I am much more than a person who is attracted to those of the same gender. And it is much more than my sex drive that craves men. The love that I feel towards men is emotional, social, mental, and physical. It is something that is deep and rounded, not something as shallow as so many assume and say.

Straight people never think of themselves as straight. They never think of their relationships as differently gendered. They simple are. They simply go on dates with people they like. They simply fall in love with the one who stands out. Why can't I do the same?

I don't think of myself as gay. I don't think of my relationships as same gendered. I just am. And I'm just dating.

How many of you have actually had sex with someone of the same gender? No, you haven't? But you're still gay? Well I'm sure that you walk around craving gay sex all day, right? No, you don't? Hmmmm. I just wish that I could help others to understand that homosexuality is not about sex. It's so much more. Maybe we can find a term that will show the depth of what is at play here- a term that doesn't imply some sort of sexual disorder. Better yet, maybe we can get to the point where we don't need a term. Where we can just be.

Forever Barred

A few blogs lately have been changing names with every post. It drives me nuts. That being said, I have changed my blog name. I am no longer Forever Barred. I am now Innumerable Ecstasies.

The phrase forever barred comes from J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan. As Peter is looking in Wendy's window, he sees the Darling family enjoying time together. "There could not have been a lovelier sight," wrote Barrie, referring to the family, "but there was none to see it except a little boy who was staring in at the window. He had ecstasies innumerable that other children can never know; but he was looking through the window at the one joy from which he must be forever barred."

On my blog and in my life I seemed to focus on that one joy that I felt I was forever barred from. Eternal family. I'm not attracted to women and thus am not pursuing marriage. In so many ways I just felt barred from that ideal, nuclear family.

Nothing has really changed about my situation. My attitudes about life, however, have changed a lot. I am no longer focused on that one joy from which I may be barred. Instead I am focused on the "ecstasies innumerable" that others may never know. Maybe I don't have and won't have the perfect family, but at least I get to hang out with fairies and mermaids and fight pirates and live in tree forts and above all fly. And love. I am not barred from learning how to love.

"Make Me Think Beautiful Unexpected Thoughts"

I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments. It has lead to a lot of thoughtful thinking on my end of things.

Atonement. It references Christ's suffering on our behalf. The price He paid for our sins. You will notice the picture on my blog is a picture of olive trees in Gethsemane and references the Atonement. In every way I believe in the redemption of His ultimate sacrifice. It demonstrates to me, as it does to most Latter-day Saints, the reality of Christ's power to heal and change.

On my mission I learned a lot about the Atonement and about healing and changing. I watched people change their lives, their character, their desires. I saw how they did it. Through out my life I have applied the same principles I taught them. I have applied the healing, changing power to so many aspect of my life, most especially my sexuality. I felt broken because of my attractions to guys and lack of attraction to girls, and I wanted desperately to be fixed by the Atonement. I prayed fervently, deeply, desperately. I gave of myself. I kept the commandments and lived a meticulously righteous life. I fasted countless days. I bathed my pillow in tears. I became an amateur scriptorian. I served an honorable full time mission. I worked hard on my end of things to learn how to control my thoughts and I regularly went to therapy through LDS social services. I dated a lot of girls. I ignored my feelings for men. I did everything I was supposed to do.

When I came home from my mission I was devastated that I was still attracted to guys. I felt I hadn't been healed even after the Atonement. I expected that it would all end in despair simply because I felt I hadn't changed. It didn't. Instead, I found myself with new perspective. I realized that I had been healed. I realized that I was whole. I looked back and saw that I had changed. In fact, as I've talked with my brother this weekend, I have really felt a great sense of fulfillment in the wonderful things the Atonement has done for me. Of course I still have many things to work on and to change about myself, but I am not broken.

The fact remains, though, that I am still gay. What does that mean? Does it mean that I didn't apply the Atonement enough? Does it mean that I didn't need to change my sexuality? Does it mean I wasn't broken in that area to begin with? I don't know. Those are the questions I am struggling with right now.

The point is, I have let go of the expectation and the demand for change. I have given up the desire to have God remove my pain from me and am now submitting to what He apparently wants me to live through. That's the result of my journey so far. The side effect is that I don't believe that I will ever not be attracted to guys. Maybe that's not true, but I still believe that I needed to let go of the expectation before I could ever really understand what the Atonement has and will do for me.

I don't pretend to know anything about the Atonement. I can't understand it all. I do know that I felt it in my life, though, and I feel it now. And it feels compassionate. My brother has spent the past few days with me, and he shared a realization he had recently with me. "You just don't know what goes on in someone's head. Even if they tell you, you still don't know. But God does."

Lingering Again

How do you cope with the loneliness and ache?

It is so hard to be alone. I just want a companion, someone to be with. And I just want some affection. I want to cuddle. I want to hold hands. I want to kiss. I'm not asking for much. A guy like me should be able to do all of those things. I'm so tired of watching all the guys around me do them. I am not a loser. I am not ugly. I am not socially inept. *sigh*

Once again my finger lingers over the publish button. My dad says I should just not think about it. Just don't think about it and it will all go away.

Receiving Revelation

I still receive revelation. I always thought that if I accepted the fact that I am attracted to men I wouldn't receive revelation. I also thought that if I ever questioned the Church, I wouldn't receive revelation. Well, today in church, I received revelation. It was just as I have always received it.

I was feeling alright in Priesthood because of something the Bishop said about helping each other out when we feel "BLASTD"- bored, lonely, angry, sad, tired, or depressed. It made me realize how awesome my roommate is at recognizing that in me and in helping me. He's like the perfect example of what the Bishop said. It also made me realize how I can extend help to others, and how much the support of other mohos means to me.

So because I was feeling good about that, I suppose I was more open to the Spirit. During Conference, I had had a spiritual experience during the song "I Believe in Christ." It was a beautiful arrangement, and it just made me feel like being Mormon was such a beautiful thing. Anyway, in Sacrament Meeting we sang that song, and all of sudden these words jumped out at me: "I believe in Christ, He stands supreme. From Him I'll gain my fondest dream. And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'"

Yesterday I had a very good, meaningful conversation with my dad, and he told me that he just wants me to be happy. I have had that on my mind ever since. As I have been thinking about happiness, when I sang that line in the hymn, I suddenly realized that I could and would obtain happiness. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't even know why, but happiness is not some hope we aim for in the afterlife. It is something obtained as part of the mortal experience. That much was revealed to me.

I have other thoughts stemming from this bit of insight, but I think I will leave the post at that.

More Comfortable

"Step one you say we need to talk. He walks, you say, 'sit down it's just a talk.' He smiles politely back at you. You stare politely right on through. Some sort of window to your right, as he goes left and you stay right between the lines of fear and blame, and you begin to wonder why you came" (The Fray).

---

Thursday I had an awesome time meeting even more of you mohos. (Thank you so much AtP) I also watched my first real "R" rated movie. (Passion of the Christ doesn't count). We watched V for Vendetta. It was good, but very political. I felt a billion times more comfortable with myself that night.

Today I decided to tell my roommate. He was suspicious, and I wanted to tell him rather than having him just find out. He took it so well. He didn't flinch at all. He was very understanding, and he hasn't treated me any different. He didn't even give me a lecture about the plan of salvation. He just talked and was there for me. I wish my parents had reacted like he did.

Tonight I watched the first three episodes of Heroes season 2. IT WAS AWESOME! The themes speak for themselves. I watched it with Romulus and Remus and Mulan. I just felt so comfortable- again! I could be myself. It was so weird not worrying about motives or how I appeared or being found out. With every passing day I get more and more comfortable being me.

---

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life" (The Fray).

Love Unfeigned

"What if I was alright? What if I wasn't wound so tight? What if I had the balls to be bad? Would you still look at me like that? Would you be mad that I had held the old me back? Why can't I be somebody else? Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me" (Bleu).

---

I started leaving Romulus a comment when I realized it was more of a post.

A few days after I came home from my mission, I went shopping with my brother, "Thomas." He is really my best friend. When we talk, it is amazing how similarly we think and yet we are different enough to let the conversations be provocative. Anyway, in the car ride home from this excursion, (and wow it was a fun excursion), I confided in him my fears about getting married. Suddenly I felt like that was my next step, but I knew that I wasn't ready for it. I had never had even as much as a relationship with a girl. (other than a somewhat short, hollow, non physical thing I had going with a girl in high school). On the other hand, Thomas has had great success with a girl whom he has been dating for two years. Their relationship is very deep. They're practically ready to elope. Anyway, I asked him how he had been able to make it work.

My brother started telling me about how he started dating her. There was competition. He described the challenges. He talked about all the schemes he came up with to get her to notice him. He talked about becoming her friend. He talked about how beautiful she was at prom. He talked about how deeply he was attracted to her- emotionally, mentally, and physically. Suddenly I was struck by this revelation. He worked HARD for that relationship. He invested everything into it. He tried so hard to make it work. He agonized over it, obsessed over it, loved it.

The reason I've never had a relationship like he has is because I've never even tried.

Why haven't I tried? That was when I realized I had never been attracted to girls. I have never wanted to put in the work for a girl because I've never wanted a girl. There was no driving motivation for me to do it. I thought I had been attracted to girls. I had pretended to be attracted to girls. I had pretended to work on a relationship. But it wasn't real.

My brother had something that I couldn't fake. He had something that was so real and yet mysterious to me. Something I couldn't have, no matter how much I had wanted to.

So what does that mean? Does it mean that I will never have it- will never love and never have loved? No. No. That's when I realized what I did have- what I had put work and investment into. Guys. I have worked really hard to make relationships work with guys. I may never have had a romantic relationship with a guy, but having something with guys has been important to me. It has been challenging. I have spent uncounted hours scheming ways to get guys to notice me. I have had to compete for it, but I have made such good friends. My attractions to guys is what has always driven me.

I think that this realization was the beginning of accepting who I am.

---

"Maybe I was too much. Maybe I'll take it down a notch. Maybe I'll have the guts to go mad. Maybe I'll mess me up real bad. Maybe I'll make you wish you had the old me back. Why can't I be somebody else? Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me. What if I can't remember who I'm trying to be?" (Bleu).

What is SSA?

That day we had nothing to do, so my dad suggested we take the kids to Six Flags. I thought it might be fun to go with Katie and Joey, who were turning 5. Normally when I used my season pass I went with my girlfriend Haley or with my brother Thomas. I didn't think it was so bad going with my dad.

It's been a few years, and I don't really remember much about the excursion at all except for being in line for some car ride. I remember sliding forward in line along the railing while Katie and Joey were fighting over who got to ride in my car. My dad was talking to me about moving out for college at the end of the summer- I had just graduated. As I looked over towards the front of the line, I saw the guy working the ride. He was so attractive.

I met eyes with him briefly before he started counting people as they passed the gate. My eyes studied the way he moved. I was captivated by his eyes and the way he talked and moved his lips. Even the way he stood. Everything about him I wanted to know. As we walked forward in line, I was still looking at him.

Suddenly my eyes snapped towards the floor. I examined the sidewalk crack with quick, thorough deliberate precision. I could feel my cheeks flushing. Mechanically I started thinking of a horrendous monster. I pictured its fangs and ugly face. In my mind it was clawing my head. Blood was everywhere. I studied the mental picture. Slowly my face cooled. My shoulders slumped. My heart rate slowed.

I looked at my dad and again the anxiousness rose in my chest. Did he notice? Did he see me notice him. Did he know what I was thinking. Oh God he saw me flush. He must have seen it. Katie was tugging on my shirt. I picked her up and held her. I turned around, walking backwards in line so that my back was to the guy working the machine. Megan was between me and my dad. I put her face between me and his line of vision.

"Uh, huh," I said, "Of course it'll be different." I had no idea what he was talking about. I shifted my legs. My arm was shaking. I turned my head slightly, still hiding behind Katie, but allowing myself a quick glance towards the guy. He was looking at me.

God I know my dad saw me look again. Why didn't he say anything? Why is still talking? He hates me. He saw me look. He knows.

---

That is S.S.A.

I think most disturbing thing about that memory for me now is how vividly and exactly I remember every detail about the scene. I remember the feel of the railing in my hand, what I was wearing, how my dad's hair looked, where we were in line, what the park smelled like, the color of the car we rode in. I remember everything except for one thing. I can't remember what the guy's face looked like. I remember his uniform, how tall he was, his build. But when I replay the memory in the VCR of my mind, all I see is a blur where is face should be. Everything else is sharp.

Goals

I am obsessive and need things to have direction. What is my direction with this thing? Why am I doing this. I think that I am trying to define myself. The problem is that neither sexuality or spirituality can be defined. They're too complex and too unique and too abstract. But because we like things in pretty packages tied up with string, let me group, or categorize, the way people treat homosexuality in the Church. I believe there are three main reactions to the issue, and I frankly have not chosen (or discovered) one for me. So that will be my goal- my direction: To determine how I want to react to my sexuality in light of my spirituality.

Three Reactions:

To demonstrate the three reactions to homosexuality, I'm going to draw on some themes from the recent X-Men movies. In these movies, people all over the world start to experience genetic mutations. I will liken these to mutations to same sex attractions. In the movie, the mutations are not necessarily good or evil, they just are. Some aspects of the mutations are very painful, destructive, gruesome, and dangerous. Other aspects seem to enhance the abilities and perceptions of natural talents. Everyone who experiences them is different and experiences them in different ways. Their reactions are likewise different. This is the same in homosexuality. Some aspects of the attractions are painful, destructive, gross, and dangerous. Other aspects seem to enhance the personality and perceptions of people. Everyone is different.

Xavier reacts positively and yet privately to people's mutations. He creates a safe haven for these people and teaches them to channel their powers. Outside of his school, they wouldn't learn how to appropriately use their powers. He teaches self-mastery, but also self-denial. His reaction is moderate, and yet it is very controversial. He certainly gets hit by both sides of the spectrum. Some wonder if he is justified in some of his techniques which can be manipulative.

Magneto's reaction is much more public. He embraces rebellion against society. To him, the mutations do not need to be controlled. His approach is just to accept and use them. There is no hiding the lure of his cause. It is passionate and result driven.

The humans react both publicly and privately. They react out of fear. They believe that the mutations are evil simply because they are different. Their initial reaction is for those who struggle with the mutations to deny it- suppress it and maybe it will go away (the private approach). Just don't use your powers. When that doesn't work, and the situation escalates (mostly because of Magneto and his people), they resort to a cure (the public approach). This cure offers hope to people like Rouge, who use the cure to become who they want to be: normal. The problem is that the cure is not ethnically sound or proven over time. At the end of the movie, Magneto, who was forcibly cured, still retains some hidden power- relapse, in other words.

These three reactions from the X-Men movies make such perfect metaphors for the social decisions facing Latter-day Saints with S.S.A. you would think it was intentional. All three groups have diversity and disagreements within themselves. All three groups are controversial. There is no black and white, just blue, red, and yellow. As I write about my experiences- many of which I am going to write as if they were memoir fragments- I will be thinking about these three groups and which is the one I need to meet my needs.

1. Control the same sex desires privately. Find fulfillment in meaningful relationships with men, without making those relationships sexual. This means facing an attack on both sides. I'd have to deal with obnoxiously ignorant humans, and obnoxiously sensual rebels. There would never be complete fulfillment with my spirituality- I would never feel completely LDS. There would also never be complete fulfillment with sexuality- I would always be denied my sexual desires.

2. Live a bold, active homosexual life. Rebel against LDS society and be promiscuous with other men. Find happiness and fulfillment in sexual desires and emotional attractions.
Leave my family and friends and all the LDS support groups I have for a set of new people. I would be happy. I would be free. I would be fulfilled sexually. I would still have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and that would haunt me forever.

3. Live a suppressed life, hoping desperately for a cure. This is what I have been doing. I tried pretending that I wasn't gay. When I couldn't do that anymore and had to face reality, I went to counseling (and still am in therapy) via Evergreen International.
This is a life of denial. Unlike in the movies, there is no cure yet. If therapy is considered a cure, then relapses are very very common. I would never be fulfilled in any relationship, but I would feel at peace with my testimony.

We'll see how I shape this over time. Feedback is VERY welcome.

Introduction

I am an active Latter-day Saint who struggles with Same Sex Attractions (S.S.A.).

There I said it. In case you didn't understand what I just said, I will translate: I live in hell.

I don't mean that I don't love being LDS- I love being LDS. It is beautiful and fulfilling and everything that I want. I love the rush of spiritual experiences. I love being in the Temple. I love revelation, the quest for it and the need for it. I love the scriptures. Nothing brings me more joy than reading the scriptures. I love Jesus Christ. I believe in Him and in His Atonement. I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I don't mean that I don't love having SSA. I love SSA. Now that is something I've never confessed before, not even to myself. These attractions are beautiful and fulfilling and everything that I want. I love the thrill of noticing a beautiful guy. I love being around other guys. I love male intimacy- the search for it and the craving for it. I love passion. Nothing brings me more joy than being passionate and dramatic. I love guys.

So what's a guy like me to do? Well, I really don't know. I have no answers, only questions. I would like to explore myself- my feelings and memories and characteristics, and to do that, I need to be honest. I am starting this blog as a safe haven for honesty. I promise before these bloggers and random public visitors to be honest with myself. And to respect myself. Please respect how hard that is for me and show respect in your comments, if you have any. And please don't be ignorant. This is not an easily explained dilemma. Trust me, I've been trying to explain it for many years. There is nothing that I hate more than ignorant people.