"What if I was alright? What if I wasn't wound so tight? What if I had the balls to be bad? Would you still look at me like that? Would you be mad that I had held the old me back? Why can't I be somebody else? Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me" (Bleu).
I started leaving Romulus a comment when I realized it was more of a post.
A few days after I came home from my mission, I went shopping with my brother, "Thomas." He is really my best friend. When we talk, it is amazing how similarly we think and yet we are different enough to let the conversations be provocative. Anyway, in the car ride home from this excursion, (and wow it was a fun excursion), I confided in him my fears about getting married. Suddenly I felt like that was my next step, but I knew that I wasn't ready for it. I had never had even as much as a relationship with a girl. (other than a somewhat short, hollow, non physical thing I had going with a girl in high school). On the other hand, Thomas has had great success with a girl whom he has been dating for two years. Their relationship is very deep. They're practically ready to elope. Anyway, I asked him how he had been able to make it work.
My brother started telling me about how he started dating her. There was competition. He described the challenges. He talked about all the schemes he came up with to get her to notice him. He talked about becoming her friend. He talked about how beautiful she was at prom. He talked about how deeply he was attracted to her- emotionally, mentally, and physically. Suddenly I was struck by this revelation. He worked HARD for that relationship. He invested everything into it. He tried so hard to make it work. He agonized over it, obsessed over it, loved it.
The reason I've never had a relationship like he has is because I've never even tried.
Why haven't I tried? That was when I realized I had never been attracted to girls. I have never wanted to put in the work for a girl because I've never wanted a girl. There was no driving motivation for me to do it. I thought I had been attracted to girls. I had pretended to be attracted to girls. I had pretended to work on a relationship. But it wasn't real.
My brother had something that I couldn't fake. He had something that was so real and yet mysterious to me. Something I couldn't have, no matter how much I had wanted to.
So what does that mean? Does it mean that I will never have it- will never love and never have loved? No. No. That's when I realized what I did have- what I had put work and investment into. Guys. I have worked really hard to make relationships work with guys. I may never have had a romantic relationship with a guy, but having something with guys has been important to me. It has been challenging. I have spent uncounted hours scheming ways to get guys to notice me. I have had to compete for it, but I have made such good friends. My attractions to guys is what has always driven me.
I think that this realization was the beginning of accepting who I am.
"Maybe I was too much. Maybe I'll take it down a notch. Maybe I'll have the guts to go mad. Maybe I'll mess me up real bad. Maybe I'll make you wish you had the old me back. Why can't I be somebody else? Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me. What if I can't remember who I'm trying to be?" (Bleu).