I wrote this the other day, and my finger has lingered over the publish button for a while.
Sometimes I am afraid that being a moho is just a transition from mo to ho. I have started to wonder why I am staying in the repressed Mormon lifestyle. I don't think that it is because of my testimony any more, as much as that would be nice to believe. So then I thought that it was because leaving the LDS lifestyle would mean leaving my support networks- specifically my parents. Then I realized that recent events have already taken away the support of my parents. They are not a support right now.
Now I think that it is because I am the support network. Now that my parents suddenly aren't, I am. My siblings are so traumatized right now, I can't disrupt the last stable thing for them. But even as I type this I wonder, am I really that self-sacrificing? It is a rather heroic excuse. Is that just because I want the reason to be heroic, or is it because I am really heroic?
Maybe the real reason is that I have no balls. Why is that so hard to accept?
P.S. This post makes me sound weak. It is really scary to allow myself to be seen as weak. I am still trying to maintain, however, this forum of honesty. Even now that I know some of you.
P.P.S. If you didn't, you should read Mormon Enigma's post, "What is it that we really want?"
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6 comments:
You would be surprised to know that it is probably your testimony keeping you in the church. Deep down inside, you probably know the church is true and you cannot force yourself to leave it. I know that I was the same way. I was once ready to leave, but something always preventing me from doing it and I could never do it. I attribute this to my testimony.
This could be you or it could not. My advice is to look deep inside and find what you truly believe.
I've had to redefine what it means to be in the church. I've started to let go of non-essentials like serving a mission and getting married so I can keep the more important ideas of loving God and eternal progression. I see too much good in the church to give it all up.
it is probably your testimony keeping you in the church
Those pesky testimonies will do it to you every time. But, Gimple may be onto something here. Deep down inside, there is probably something whispering to you, ever so softly.
I find that a lot of the Mohos go through this mini crisis of identity. We've so long kept a large aspect of ourselves in check and behind closed doors and have forced ourselves to associate it with evil and unhappiness. Then we join the community and let ourselves out a bit and realize, hey, this is pretty cool. I'm actually happy with myself. Really happy. And then we think, well wait, if I go farther down this road, will I be even happier?
I think it's the happy medium (funny, that) wherein the happiness lies. I've seen mohos go farther down the road than they'd planned, and backpedaling isn't too fun. Sure, there are some people that claim happiness that way - but I think that for anyone with a strong and grounded testimony of the gospel, even if it's down deep, the middle of the road is the way to go. Don't hate yourself, don't hide yourself, but don't cross over all the way and deny the teachings that you (presumably) believe.
I think Gimple has it pretty much right. I don't think you would be surprised to find that your testimony is what's keeping you in the church. My advice is to look deep inside and find out what is really true. Sometimes what you truly belive and what is truly true aren't the same.
If I were you, I would not leave the church unless you can no longer believe it. You should always be true to what you believe in.
Foxx, you took the words right out of my mouth. :)
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