I still receive revelation. I always thought that if I accepted the fact that I am attracted to men I wouldn't receive revelation. I also thought that if I ever questioned the Church, I wouldn't receive revelation. Well, today in church, I received revelation. It was just as I have always received it.
I was feeling alright in Priesthood because of something the Bishop said about helping each other out when we feel "BLASTD"- bored, lonely, angry, sad, tired, or depressed. It made me realize how awesome my roommate is at recognizing that in me and in helping me. He's like the perfect example of what the Bishop said. It also made me realize how I can extend help to others, and how much the support of other mohos means to me.
So because I was feeling good about that, I suppose I was more open to the Spirit. During Conference, I had had a spiritual experience during the song "I Believe in Christ." It was a beautiful arrangement, and it just made me feel like being Mormon was such a beautiful thing. Anyway, in Sacrament Meeting we sang that song, and all of sudden these words jumped out at me: "I believe in Christ, He stands supreme. From Him I'll gain my fondest dream. And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'"
Yesterday I had a very good, meaningful conversation with my dad, and he told me that he just wants me to be happy. I have had that on my mind ever since. As I have been thinking about happiness, when I sang that line in the hymn, I suddenly realized that I could and would obtain happiness. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't even know why, but happiness is not some hope we aim for in the afterlife. It is something obtained as part of the mortal experience. That much was revealed to me.
I have other thoughts stemming from this bit of insight, but I think I will leave the post at that.
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5 comments:
That same song was really powerful for me too, especially the line that you bolded.
I think that a part of life is finding happiness in our trials. As we all know, it is very hard to do this. I see Christ finding happiness in His life everyday even though he was tried harder than I can imagine. We must follow his example.
We're singing an arrangement of 'I Believe in Christ' in choir, and those same words jumped out to me today too! Man, I really love music.
It's great to hear that from your dad! And to hear that your roommate is so supportive of you. I believe that you have better times to look forward to as you continue to discover what life holds in store for you!
Just because we don't always fit the LDS norm, doesn't mean that we're not entitled to revelation, happiness and the other gifts of the spirit. If there is anything I've learned over the years of trial and error, it is that Father loves us, values our wiring, and we glorify him by our love and service in return.
I'm glad your dad expressed his love and support of you. What you have to learn and enjoy in life may be because of your SSA, not in spite of it. Finding happiness will be as Joseph taught, by keeping the commandments. It's no different for us or anyone else.
Happiness...I wonder if I'll ever have it! It's either endure to the end and keep the commandments and hope for happiness in the next life, while being depressed here not being able to express love for another guy...or go for love and happiness here but lay aside what I've been raised in and what I believe in and probably suffer the consequences later. Ugh!
You should read John Gustav-Wrathall's blog, especially his recent post titled My conference highlights and Did anyone else weep...?.
Then remind yourself that this is coming from a guy who is living in a committed same sex relationship, has a testimony, and is active in the LDS church (as active as you can be as an excommunicated member).
I'm not trying to imply that you should follow his path - you need to find your own path. I am merely pointing out that things are not as simplistic as we try to make them out to be in church - nobody has a monopoly on receiving personal revelation.
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