Saturday, October 20, 2007

Cut from the Team

"It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb. It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone. Something has been taken from deep inside of me. The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see. Wounds so deep they never show they never go away, like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played" (Linkin Park).
So last week I talked to my parents individually for the first time about what my life is actually like with these attractions. I knew they were having untold stresses of their own, and I hadn't really planned on telling them, but I needed to share it with someone. I thought the conversations went well. Apparently they didn't. (long story why)

Anyway, to be concise, my dad called me the morning after I had talked with my mom and said, "So let me get this straight, after two years on a mission, you're just going to give it all way to live a gay lifestyle?" If you could have seen me, you would have seen a classic wtf face. I never said anything like that.

So my parents just overreacted and freaked out. My mom thinks that blogs are akin to porn because both are on the internet. That's just one example of their ridiculous fears. Skipping ahead to the point, my mom and I had a three way conversation with my therapist to clarify some things. I asked her what she wanted, and she said she just wants me to be normal. I told her that was such a loaded word, and asked if I could replace it with the word healthy. She said no. So then I asked how important it was for me to be normal. I asked if being normal was worth the cost of being healthy. She couldn't answer the question.

My mom would rather me be who she wants than be a mentally healthy person.

I asked how this was going to be accomplished. She said that she didn't know, but that she was trying to find the solution. She said she thinks that we are on the verge of discovering the cure. I can understand why she would want a cure. I wanted one for many many years. But that's not what I want now. When I was hoping for a cure, then every day- every moment- that I wasn't cured was a disappointment. It was a terrible way for me to live. I don't have that expectation anymore. (unfortunately I have replaced it with another unhealthy expectation, but that's a whole new post).

My parents took a major loss this week. They have put themselves on another team. All I wanted was to feel like they were on my team, but they aren't. The result is that I don't trust them with my feelings any more. I can't tell them what's going on in my life. That is a major loss for them. They just severed communication. They also made me extremely bitter. It's too easy for me to blame the Church for their insensitivity, ignorance, and lack of compassion, unfair as that is. I'm just so tired of it all.
"I remember what they taught to me, remember condescending talk of who I ought to be, remember listening to all of that and this again. So I pretended up a person who was fittin' in, and now you think this person really is me and I'm trying to bend the truth. But the more I push the more I'm pulling away . . ." (Linkin Park).


Romulus said...

I'm so sorry about that Peter. I have the same fears with my parents, and you can relate since you actually know them. Just know that I'm here for you, and I'll be there (at home :) ) for you too.

playasinmar said...

It's takes time but eventually they'll realize you still are what you ever were.

Abelard Enigma said...

I agree with playasinmar. You dumped a heavy load on them. You've had your whole life to figure out how to deal with it. Now you're asking them to drink from a firehose - and they can't do it. It's just like you taught as a missionary: Line upon line, precept upon precept. You just need to keep doing what you should be doing (which may not be what you 'want' to be doing).

She said she thinks that we are on the verge of discovering the cure

This is a big paradigm shift your mother is going to have to make. You can't 'cure' something that isn't broken or sick. She needs to get to a point to accept that there is nothing wrong about you - your're just different. It's going to take her time to realize that, that you are the same person you've always been.

Perhaps you parents need to go talk to their Bishop. He can give them the new pamphlet which clearly states that "others may not be free of this challenge in this life."

forever barred said...

"You dumped a heavy load on them. You've had your whole life to figure out how to deal with it. Now you're asking them to drink from a firehose - and they can't do it."

My parents knew I had these attractions 8 years ago. They have had 8 years to come to grips with it, but they haven't. My mom said that she is "clueless" on how to help me or even think about this issue. She specified that that she didn't know how to talk to me. That would be fair if this was a new revelation to them, but like I said, they've had 8 years. She hasn't even learned or found out how to talk to me yet.

Beck said...

I have chosen to never tell my parents. They won't understand. I know I am depriving them of this choice, but I don't feel it is necessary for them to deal with this.

As for my wife, I know she is doing better as I do better. She sees me being the same person she loves and is less worried that I'm suddenly a different person that she doesn't know. I still feel with Abelard and Playa that as you continue to be the YOU that you are, those around you will learn to love you for who you are and not for who you are not... if they can't then like you say, it is their loss.

Abelard Enigma said...

My apologies, I didn't realize this wasn't the first time you had brought up the subject with them.

I've heard that it's estimated that as many as 40% of teenage runaways are GLBT. And, many of them are not runaways per se - they were kicked out of their homes. Some parents just can never come to terms with their child being gay. It's very sad; but, and unfortunate fact of life.

But, like was said, just keep being you. And if they cannot come to terms with that then it is their loss. And take solice in that you have many friends in Utah and here in the queerosphere.

Crow's View said...

WTF better mean "what the fetch!"

Yes that was a lot to dump on them. I think what it translates to is this. Are you going to give up what you believe for what you feel. We all know the sin is acting on it. I can understand your mom's fears on the blog issue. There are some pretty out there ideas on the web. Again they love you and are looking out for you even if they may not understand you right now. Give them credit for that. They also need to give you some credit, you know God's plan and you know his purpose for us being here. They have to have more faith in you. But just love them.

Kengo Biddles said...


#1, don't blame the Church for your parent's reactions. Your parents would probably have reacted just the same regardless of their religious affiliation. My parents have known for the better part of 15 years, and they're still iffy at times.

#2 There is no cure, but it's important to feel okay with that. It's important to understand that you're you, and that's all that matters. Your sexuality is a part of you, it is not you. I don't know why we as MoHos have to explode out of the closet, but it seems so many of us do.

Straights aren't defined by their gender, they just live their life. Just live your life! If you believe in the Gospel, then live it, if you don't believe in it, then find something you do.

David said...

"Healthy" is definitely better than "normal", whatever that means. Since I began taking steps to be healthy (admitting to myself I'm gay, coming out to a few people, etc.) I've felt so much better. My parents and other family members still don't understand it or accept it, but I'm doing what I can and I don't have any control over what they feel or believe.

draco said...

can i just hug you right now? :)